MPs returning to parliament dangerous but f**k 'em, key workers agree

NHS workers and supermarket staff have agreed that as they are risking their lives then the MPs who order them to can bloody well do the same.

Yesterday’s Commons vote was widely viewed as farcical, unnecessary and an assault on democracy, but also f**k them and they can get out in the world like everybody else has to.

Hospital porter Jordan Gardner said: “Let’s give our smug, overpaid politicians the chance to be heroes. See how they like it.

“Yes, they can’t really practice social distancing in parliament, sure, they had a working remote voting system, and obviously it’s only so Boris will get a few cheers for his shit bluster.

“But also? F**king get to work. You don’t want to? None of us want to. Maybe you’ll get track-and-trace sorted now you’ve got some skin in the game.

“And don’t worry. If you should happen to get COVID-19 and die, we’ll all line up to be in the papers saying ‘At least they lost their life doing what they loved.’”

MP Denys Finch Hatton said: “But you don’t understand. I’m important.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

How is Jacob Rees-Mogg trolling everyone today?

JACOB Rees-Mogg is back on his bullshit, but what is the professional troll up to today?

Forcing MPs back to the Commons

Rees-Mogg is keen to surround Boris Johnson with braying Tory MPs and likes being a dick. As coronavirus spreads through parliament he will order MPs to only attend in a full suits of armour, purely for the lulz.

Demanding National Margaret Thatcher Day

Divisive PM Margaret ‘Evil’ Thatcher is the queen of Rees-Mogg’s black heart, so demanding a bank holiday in her honour while lefties howl about the Battle of Orgreave Colliery and Pinochet will only make him more powerful.

Making up words

Rees-Mogg likes to ponce around in the Commons like an 18th-century dictionary compiler, so he will soon just be making up words. Expect ‘The imperitability of the Opposition is globulacious beyond wordificonomy, and I mean that in all frangificariness.’

Anti-EU drivel

The committed Brexiter will demand that all EU member states be removed from British maps, with Germany, France, Italy et al renamed ‘Terra Incognita’ and Switzerland, Monaco and San Marino as islands.

Victorian values

Not actual 19th-century social standards, just a load of neo-con twattery in a pretty bonnet. Everyone will own a horse, which is a pain in the arse if you live in a flat.

Another weirdly named child

Rees-Mogg’s children were only conceived so he could give them inflammatory names. Building on the lunacy of Sixtus and Alfred Wulfric, the next child will be Nautilus Caligula Herodotus Agincourt Cerberus Rees-Mogg. Especially if she’s a girl.

Next story ›