Kids wait in car with pop and crisps while parents get pissed in mate's garden

CHILDREN have been ordered to wait in the car with fizzy drinks and crisps so that barbecues do not exceed the six person limit. 

Emma and John Bradford told their two children that government regulations mean that they are not allowed to attend the social event but they have left lemonade and Quavers in the boot.

Emma said: “There’s no point bringing the kids to the barbecue. They’re fussy about food and they don’t drink.

“So we’ve left them in the Kia to play on their Switch, which is basically all they’d be doing at home anyway, and we’ve given their places to Mark and Karen who are loads of fun.

“They’re still getting out of the house, and if they get bored they can always wave at Mark and Karen’s kids in the Volvo across the road. So cute!

“I don’t know what they’re complaining about. This was every Sunday outside a pub when I was a kid in the 70s. It’s traditional British values.”

Daughter Ruby said: “They’ve left us in here but taken the dog. Too hot for him but not for us, apparently.”

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The government's lockdown sex rules, explained

THE government has issued clarification who is allowed to have sex with who, where, and when. Read on: 

Anyone making love indoors must do so with a member of their own household and is not allowed to do so during working hours if furloughed, because that would be mocking Rishi Sunak.

If no members of your household are available for sex, you are permitted to copulate with a cleaner, nanny or au pair provided the correct PPE is employed.

You may also have intercourse with a professional sex worker who visits your home. Designating a partner who lives in another property as a sex worker is illegal and what Tory MPs are already doing.

You are allowed sex with a partner who is not a member of your household in your garden, though you should maintain a minimum of two metres emotional distance at all times.

You may also have sex with someone from another household in a public place like a park, beach or the grounds of Buckingham Palace which you have requested the use of as prime minister.

No sexual partners are allowed to stay overnight at your property in case you become attached to them. They must be kicked to the kerb.

Finally, any or all of these rules may be retrospectively rewritten if Dominic Cummings is found to have violated them. Fines will not be refunded nor pregnancies voided.