Mutant Covid could protect us against evil Covid like the X-Men

SUPERHERO fans has theorised that the new mutant Covid could be protecting us even though hated and feared by humanity, like the X-Men. 

The mutant Covid is spreading throughout London and the South-East, meaning it must be superior to other forms of Covid, and comics geeks believe they know why.

Nathan Muir of Croydon said: “We must not condemn this new, more powerful mutant Covid. It is here to protect us.

“Like Cyclops, Professor X and the rest, it is only misunderstood. It mutated as a response to the evil original, which like Magneto only wants to see humanity bow down before it.

“But X-Covid stands in its way, no matter what the cost to itself, even though humans don’t recognise its nobility and persecute it, forcing it to flee the authorities and their ‘cure’.

“We should embrace X-Covid as our hero trusting that it will save us from the bad Covid, like the X-Men saved the world from Apocalypse.”

He added: “I only hope it doesn’t mutate and multiply as fast as the real X-Men do. There’s millions of them. We’d be f**ked.”

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Mum doing engineering degree to untwist toddler's seatbelt

A MUM is studying for a four-year engineering degree in the hope she will learn how to untwist her child’s car-seat straps.

Emma Bradford is hoping the course at Brunel University will give her the theoretical and practical knowledge to get the bastards to stay flat for a single f**king car journey.

She said: “I put the toddler in seat and they’re fine, I take her out half-an-hour later and they’re twisted to buggery. How? She can’t move.

“Other times, the straps are perfectly fine when I take her out but three hours later they’re twisted and knotted like jungle vines. It makes no sense.

“The only explanation is that the engineers made a complete arse of designing it, a theory I’m going to confirm by getting a BSc and taking it back to first principles, then writing a scholarly paper on it.

“Then, hopefully, once I’m a world-leading expert in the field, I’ll be able to untangle the straps in seconds and not spend hours hunched over the back every journey. Even on the four-year course it’ll end up quite a time-saver.”

Professor Denys Finch Hatton of Brunel University said: “The seatbelt must be fastened to the force of three newtons per every kilo of the child’s weight, then divide that by 16 to get the tensile strength. I’m bluffing. I’ve no f**king idea.”