Wednesday, 20th January 2021

How to start a new life after getting a bad haircut

HAS your hairdresser mutilated your coiffure beyond repair? Here’s how to burn down your life and start again: 

Move to a new country

Ideally somewhere famous for its awful hairstyles, like Paraguay or the Republic of North Macedonia. The immigration desk staff will stifle a chuckle when they look at your comparatively chic passport photo, but after that you’ll attract no more attention than the average military coup.

Change your name

Your current name is too elegant for the bird’s nest you’re sporting, whatever it is. Change it to an ugly, monosyllabic grunt more befitting of the caveman you now resemble. Accessorise by wearing leopard skin and carrying a club.

Make new, unattractive friends

Your old social circle of flattering fringes and feathered textures will ditch you, so you’ll have to seek out new chums with bowl cuts, half-grown asymmetric undercuts and male pattern baldness. You’ll look halfway decent as you hang out drinking cans outside the magistrates’ court.

Burn off your fingerprints

Sever all links to your old life by removing identifiers like your fingerprints and tattoos. You might be tempted to get another haircut while you’re at it, but do you really want to risk making things worse than they already are? Let the abomination grow out naturally over your wilderness years.

Join a travelling circus

You’ll need a new job, but rather than an acrobat or a magician in the ring you’ll be kept in a darkened caravan out back to which a sleazy clown will lead discerning punters to gawp in terror at your haircut, billed as ‘nature’s cruel mistake.’