How to start a new life after getting a bad haircut

HAS your hairdresser mutilated your coiffure beyond repair? Here’s how to burn down your life and start again: 

Move to a new country

Ideally somewhere famous for its awful hairstyles, like Paraguay or the Republic of North Macedonia. The immigration desk staff will stifle a chuckle when they look at your comparatively chic passport photo, but after that you’ll attract no more attention than the average military coup.

Change your name

Your current name is too elegant for the bird’s nest you’re sporting, whatever it is. Change it to an ugly, monosyllabic grunt more befitting of the caveman you now resemble. Accessorise by wearing leopard skin and carrying a club.

Make new, unattractive friends

Your old social circle of flattering fringes and feathered textures will ditch you, so you’ll have to seek out new chums with bowl cuts, half-grown asymmetric undercuts and male pattern baldness. You’ll look halfway decent as you hang out drinking cans outside the magistrates’ court.

Burn off your fingerprints

Sever all links to your old life by removing identifiers like your fingerprints and tattoos. You might be tempted to get another haircut while you’re at it, but do you really want to risk making things worse than they already are? Let the abomination grow out naturally over your wilderness years.

Join a travelling circus

You’ll need a new job, but rather than an acrobat or a magician in the ring you’ll be kept in a darkened caravan out back to which a sleazy clown will lead discerning punters to gawp in terror at your haircut, billed as ‘nature’s cruel mistake.’

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The Leave voter's guide to who to blame for Brexit

BREXIT’S going tits-up, and it can’t be your fault because you voted Leave. Wayne Hayes explains who to point the finger at for undermining our sovereignty: 


If only they’d outvoted Leavers in 2016 then we wouldn’t be in this mess. And ever since their resounding defeat, they’ve sabotaged this great country at every turn by not believing in Brexit and insisting that we adhere to legal processes. Truly, they are the architects of no-deal.

The EU

All we wanted was a deal that met every single one of our requirements and ignored all theirs. Instead they made a mockery of our Brexit. All Britain wants is the freedom to do whatever it wants all the time without any restrictions placed on it whatsoever. Why can’t they respect that?

Boris Johnson

I proudly voted for Boris Johnson in 2019 because I wanted to stick up two fingers to the establishment. Now he’s delivering on his policy of being a treacherous, blustering moron I’ve made it clear I cannot be held responsible.


I’m not sure how exactly, but Nigel Farage blames them and he’s been absolutely on the money about everything else so far. It’s a disgrace how the mainstream media have silenced him by giving him a regular column in a major newspaper and a permanent seat on Question Time.

Everyone except Leavers

All Leavers did was engage in a democratic process and make the right choice as acclaimed by the media. Our demands are vague, contradictory, and it’s a national embarrassment that they haven’t been satisfied yet. Everyone besides us should be ashamed of themselves.