THE National Health Service is to start using staples for everything, doctors confirmed last night.
Following a 40% rise in the stapling of fat people, the NHS has now unveiled plans to move to an entirely staple-based medical system by 2014.
From next April obese people will be stapled to the back of a horse so they either run off their extra weight or have it gradually rubbed off as they are dragged along the ground.
Smokers will have both hands stapled to their buttocks, while anyone who drinks more than one glass of wine a day will have their nostrils stapled shut so they can only take brief, tiny sips.
Meanwhile GPs have been told to stop prescribing painkillers and antibiotics and are instead sending patients away with large fistfuls of 4mm-wide staples to be taken every two hours.
Julian Cook, a consultant stapler at the Royal Free Hospital in London, said: "There was some debate about whether to use staples or elastic bands. In the end we went with staples as we got a really good deal from Staples."
He added: "The applications are limitless. Say someone presents with persistent insomnia, we could prescribe sleeping tablets or a course of therapy, or we could just staple his eyelids together. It's so much easier to get to sleep if you can't open your eyes."
Private medicine has already embraced the new technology with the Harley Medical Centre offering a wide range of face-stapling techniques.
A spokesman said: "Our basic treatment involves sitting you in a dentist's chair, spanking you squarely on the bridge of your nose with a hammer and then stapling together anything that bursts."