One In Four Teens Pretending To Be Depressed

ONE in four teenagers is in a really bad place right now which is making them, like, incredibly sad and stuff, a new study reveals. 

Nobody understands them, and adults all treat them like kids even though they are way more grown-up than they were at this age, and all do sex and drugs and everything.

It is also really unfair to have to come home from the party at midnight, and so embarrassing to get picked up from the door, and not from around the corner like was said earlier.

Sixth former Nikki Hollis said: "I just know that bitch Erin gave Sean a handjob at the housey I couldn't go to after I was grounded over the bong, and my hair looks awful.

"My friend Claire said they were in there for ages, and when they came out, his flies were all buttoned wrong, and the stupid cow had her skirt in her knickers.

"Apparently she's insisting nothing happened, but my gay friend Geoff says it's all over the men’s toilets."

Chris Cooper, a gap year student, said he was sure he had a spot coming on the end of his nose and that he wanted to kill himself.

He said: "I’m going to work in an African village next week and I look like a walking traffic light. It’s the worse thing that could ever happen to anyone, ever."

However, leading youth psychologist Henry Brubaker said: "It’s true, the world really does revolve around you, you snivelling bag of self-pitying hormonal tossers."

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Labour U-Turn On Punching Poor People In The Face

LABOUR backbenchers last night convinced the government not to go out and just start punching poor people in the face.

Ministers had planned to spend the summer wandering around shopping centres in gangs while launching viscious, unprovoked attacks on low paid workers and single pensioners.
But after a day of intense negotiations with rebel MPs the prime mininster agreed to a deal which will require poor people to apply for a special badge, giving them partial immunity from a ministerial kicking.

Gordon Brown said last night: "While we have abolished the right not to be punched in the face, we have set up a simple system whereby you will avoid a thumping if you fill in a series of forms, attach proof of income, a four leaf clover and a unicorn's eyelash."

The prime minister added: "I can understand my colleagues' concern, but this policy has always been about helping poor people. Sure, it's about helping them get punched in the face, but isn't that what we've been saying all along?"

He added: "Some colleagues may feel this is out of step with Labour principles, but I would remind them that Keir Hardie loved nothing more than cycling down a Glasgow street, swinging his cricket bat at hungry children."

The reforms will be steered through the Commons by chancellor Alistair Darling who has spent the last two days begging fellow cabinet ministers to smother him with a pillow.