GOOD evening, I’m Carol Kirkwood, and this is the rundown of a forbidding menstrual week ahead. Here’s the forecast:
Saturday
Storm clouds and heavy bloating are rolling in from the west, along with severe chilliness towards boyfriends who breathe too loudly. We’re going to see sporadic outbreaks of sadness and a jar of pickled onions hurled violently against the kitchen wall for refusing to open.
Sunday
There’ll be some light downpours today – the perfect excuse to climb into comfies and despise humanity without restraint. Expect Gilmore Girls to drift across screens around 4pm, accompanied by a blazing row with your sister over WhatsApp. By evening we’re into heavy spells of self-pity, followed by a shopping front on ASOS opening up.
Monday
Expect scattered cramps across the abdomen and a much heavier flow. Wear the right clothing. Sneezing may cause flooding, there will be rising temperatures in the face of male stupidity and dig out the work outfit you always wear this time of the month.
Tuesday
Heavy downpours expected all day, clouding over with sobbing at a dog in an advert by teatime. Red warning for the colleague who suggests you ‘chill the f**k out’. Expect to feel useless and stupid, especially once your mother phones.
Wednesday
There’ll be outbreaks of lucidity and productivity in the morning, with the storm starting to pass. Skies clearing, hormones stabilising and with breasts no longer tender, a higher likelihood of sexual activity. Generally fresher.
Thursday
Strong sunshine and clear skies, with renewed feelings of optimism and bafflement at why last week felt like the collapse of civilisation. A welcome return to sanity. Outlook: repeat in 28 days.
