Plain cigarette packaging to be designed by Apple’s Jony Ive

DESIGN guru Jony Ive, the man behind the iPod and iPhone, has signed up to design the new featureless cigarette packaging.

Legislation outlawing decoration on cigarette packets is expected to eliminate smoking because nicotine addicts are just magpies who like shiny things.

But the tobacco industry is fighting back by employing minimalist Ive to make fags a must-have among urban trendsetters.

Ive said: “I’m very much against smoking but when I heard about the opportunities this project offered – a completely blank box – I knew I had to be involved.

“I’ve sourced the finest paper bleachers to make sure it’s stark polar white, rounded the corners to take away the oppressiveness of the right-angle, and stopped the packet opening because it ruined the smooth line.

“On the actual cigarettes I’ve taken away the brown filter so you don’t know which end of it to light.

“Initially they’ll be available just in white, but after a year we’ll launch them in a range of eye-popping translucent colours that are addictive both chemically and aesthetically.”

19-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I’ve got to get on this. I am going to smoke so much now.”

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Harrison Ford's Rear Window

THE room they’ve given me here at Pinewood Studios could be better. Facilities are sparse: a small white kettle, a complimentary packet of roasted peanuts and a heavy portable TV without an aerial.

So I turn my attention to the small window which overlooks the set. Using the zoom function on my fancy phone, I can see everything: Mark Hamill impressing the wardrobe girls with his double jointed toe, Carrie Fisher surreptitiously stuffing dozens of miniature pastries into her enormous skip cap and George Lucas having a sit down and taking selfies in the chair marked ‘Ford’.

One of them has sabotaged the Falcon and destroyed my foot. But which one?

Hamill has moved on to the detachable thumb trick. The wardrobe girls are squealing with joy. What kind of disordered mind believes a man’s thumb can clear two inches from his hand but won’t entertain the notion an intergalactic smuggler can wear his favourite hoop earring during filming? They are barely sentient. It couldn’t have been them.

I turn my attention to Lucas. He’s gotten so comfy in my chair he’s dozed off . Someone’s put tin foil over him so he doesn’t die. I realise he has most to gain from my demise. But what can I do from up here? My eyes fall to the bag of roasted peanuts and a plan forms. Everyone knows Lucas has always dreamed of being able to sleep in a lying down position like a proper man, but fears being asphyxiated by the weight of his own head. One well-timed nut could jolt him into a helpless heap on the floor, unable to roll over or call for help.

I start flicking but a knock at the door startles me. “I’ve brought you thirty-five pain au chocolat,” Carrie Fisher’s voice is unmistakable, “- and they’re warm!” She opens the door, catching me red-handed. What could I do? I used the formidable flash facility on my zoom phone to dazzle her… The pastries hit the floor and she drops to her knees, clawing at her eyes and screaming “I’m blind!”

They think they’ve got me where they want me, but now they see I can’t be taken down without a fight. I’ve a few more tricks up my sleeve before this war is over. Also, my wife’s a famous lawyer.