Playgrounds to become thrillingly dangerous again

CHILDREN can once again crack their heads open on concrete while swinging on rusted metal bars when the UK scraps EU protection laws.

Since the legislation was put in place in the early 90s serious injuries on playgrounds have declined by 85 per cent and with them Britain’s daredevil spirit, campaigners believe.

Mum-of-two Helen Archer said: “We lost something when they put in those rubber floors and took away the razor-sharp edges. We lost our courage.

“When I was a girl, adventure playgrounds lived up to their name. You never knew if you’d come home screaming with just gravel in your knees or missing two front teeth after being thrown from a broken swing onto a cement slab.

“Climbing frames that were essentially mazes of scaffolding without safety nets trained a nation of builders. Now, to our shame, we have to get Poles in.

“I can’t wait until the day a strange, sweating child knocks at the door saying I need to go to the park because our Sean’s fell and broken his leg.

“On that day, I will cheer.”

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Logical next step for Britain is series of colonial conquests

THE best way to make Britain great again is to invade resource-rich territories and enslave their people, Boris Johnson has claimed.

The prime minister secretary assuaged fears that Britain’s influence will wane after leaving Europe by outlining a series of winnable wars to restore the glories of Empire.

He continued: “Taking back our rightful place in the world won’t come from trade deals. We need to get back on the gunboats and plant the Union Jack in some land.

“Norway is there for the taking. We can annex Andorra in an afternoon. Then we’ll give both countries weird, anglicised names and bastardise their national cuisine.

“Who cares what Germany’s saying when you’re marching on Ulan Bator with orders to sack the city and restock the British Museum?

“Nothing endears you to the world like subjugating people and plundering their wealth. Trust us, we know.”

Wayne Hayes of Wrexham said: “I’m going to be one of those explorers who discovers mountains only non-white people have ever seen before and names them after himself.

“Hayes Rock or Mount Hayes? Either works.”