EVERY pregnant woman in Britain is to be given a 16 foot-long carrot, the government has announced.
The women will have to gnaw constantly on the genetically modified vegetable during the last four months of their pregnancy in place of sustained bouts of heavy drinking.
The carrots have been engineered so that all mums – even black ones – will produce healthy, beautiful children with blonde hair, blue eyes and a developed understanding of mechanised warfare, the Government said.
Alan Johnson, the health secretary, said: "Women are stupid at the best of times but when pregnant their hormones make them profoundly moronic.
"If they won't eat their carrots we will strap them to a bed and force feed them cabbage instead."
Pregnant Ruth Edwards, 44, said: "Why not just sterilise all the poor people who are giving birth to crack addicted criminals and give people who watch BBC2 a couple of large organic carrots instead?"
However, expectant mum Angela Knight, 13, said she thought the free carrot was a fantastic idea as she could sell hers on the black market to raise cash to buy 12 cartons of Craven A and a case of Bailey's Irish Cream.
She added: "Ever since I found out I was up the duff, I have been smoking in the hope of a small baby with a narrow head. I don't want some huge monster bastard rupturing my front bottom."