Pregnant Women To Receive Gigantic Carrot

EVERY pregnant woman in Britain is to be given a 16 foot-long carrot, the government has announced.

The women will have to gnaw constantly on the genetically modified vegetable during the last four months of their pregnancy in place of sustained bouts of heavy drinking.

The carrots have been engineered so that all mums – even black ones – will produce healthy, beautiful children with blonde hair, blue eyes and a developed understanding of mechanised warfare, the Government said.

Alan Johnson, the health secretary, said: "Women are stupid at the best of times but when pregnant their hormones make them profoundly moronic.

"If they won't eat their carrots we will strap them to a bed and force feed them cabbage instead."

Pregnant Ruth Edwards, 44, said: "Why not  just sterilise all the poor people who are giving birth to crack addicted criminals and give people who watch BBC2 a couple of large organic carrots instead?"

However, expectant mum Angela Knight, 13, said she thought the free carrot was a fantastic idea as she could sell hers on the black market to raise cash to buy 12 cartons of Craven A and a case of Bailey's Irish Cream.

She added: "Ever since I found out I was up the duff, I have been smoking in the hope of a small baby with a narrow head. I don't want some huge monster bastard rupturing my front bottom."

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Nuclear Waste Makes Lovely Jam Says Government

WASTE from nuclear power is very tasty, spreads easily and makes a lovely jam for your toast in the morning, the Government said last night.

Launching its latest public consultation on the nuclear industry the Government said living next to an atom fuelled power station would give you a huge penis, but only if you are a man already.

It said all the scientific evidence now showed that couples living in close proximity to nuclear generators could go “at it” all night without a break and still go to work the next day feeling fresh as a daisy.

Speaking at the launch Prime Minister Gordon Brown said it was now perfectly obvious to anyone, apart from the criminally insane, that nuclear waste was less radioactive than most cheese, except some brands of really mild cheddar.

He said the consultation process was necessary to assess whether the British public loved nuclear power or whether they really, really loved it, and to settle disputes between the many towns and cities currently demanding their own atomic power station.

“Really, people have nothing to fear from having a nuclear power station on their doorstep. They are only dangerous when they blow up and destroy everything around them in a 50 mile radius, and that hardly ever happens,” he said.

A  spokesman for Friends of the Earth said: “Put like that you can’t really argue can you, where do we sign?”