Running or cycling: how are you going to annoy people this year?

PLANNING to get fit in 2021? Take our quiz to find out which type of exercise arsehole you should be.

You’re approaching some traffic lights. Do you:
A. Stop and wait to cross.
B. Speed up and shout abuse at drivers who have the cheek to expect you to follow the Green Cross Code. You’re on for a personal best.
C. Go straight through them on red. The rules of the road don’t apply to the likes of you.

You’re exercising in the park and a dog walker is in front of you. Do you:
A. Politely say ‘Excuse me’.
B. Give them absolutely no warning then yell at them when they don’t immediately get out of your way.
C. Wait until you are right behind them before ringing your bell and watch as they jump into a hedge in surprise.

You decide to head out on your favourite route but it’s dark. What sort of lights do you use?
A. A torch.
B. A bright, 100-watt head torch that constantly flashes. There’s no point going to the trouble of exercising at night if no one knows you’re doing it.
C. What are lights?

Your colleagues ask you what you got up to at the weekend. Do you:
A. Tell them about the film you watched.
B. Go into great detail about the new anti-chafing nipple tape you tried out. They’ll definitely be interested.
C. Whine about the number of pedestrians who wouldn’t get out of your way when you were riding on the pavement.

It’s time to choose where to go on the family holiday. Do you pick:
A. A child-friendly resort in Mallorca.
B. Philadelphia. You can take a selfie after running up the Rocky Steps. No one else has ever thought of doing that.
C. Some remote hilly village in the Alps. There’s bugger all for the kids to do but who cares when you can pretend you’re on the Tour de France?

ANSWERS:
Mostly As.
You’re clearly not cut out for exercise and therefore not an arsehole. Well done.
Mostly Bs. Make sure Strava is set to tediously share all your routes on Facebook as you’re going to be a runner.
Mostly Cs. Get some Lycra that’s two sizes too small because you’re going to be a cyclist. No helmet though – you’re not a fireman.

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Woman who says 'can't complain' then does so for f**king ages

A WOMAN who began a conversation by saying she ‘knows she should count her blessings’ has gone on to moan for absolutely f**king ages.

Nikki Hollis told her friend Eleanor Shaw she wanted to ‘catch up’ when she actually meant ‘go on a massive rant about homeschooling, her job and her partner for an hour and a half’.

Shaw said: “Next time Nikki says ‘I know things could be worse for me’ I will nod grimly and tell a story about someone who has lost their job, home and dog due to Covid.

“Because if I say something supportive like ‘Yes, but your problems are still valid’ she starts whining about how her husband loads the dishwasher wrong for several laps round the park.

“Then I feel obliged to complain about something too, to make her feel better. So now even my last remaining pleasure of going for a walk with a friend is f**king miserable too.

“Next time I’m taking ear plugs.”