Schools opened for that crucial infection-spreading few days

SCHOOLS in England are to remain open for a crucial few days to enable fast and efficient Covid transmission, the government has confirmed. 

Education secretary Gavin Williamson advised the public that if schools were not to reopen after the Christmas break there would be no way that pupils could catch the new strain of Covid and bring it home to their families.

He said: “Nobody needs to panic. It won’t be more than a few days, but that’s more than enough time to raise the R rate nationwide.

“Schools are closed in London because we’ve already overwhelmed the hospitals, but I couldn’t in all conscience deprive the rest of the country from these critical few days of exposure.

“By the end of the week the prime minister will be telling you that it breaks his liberty-loving heart to close schools right on schedule, but for now it’s business as usual for teachers, parents, pupils and Covid-19.

“We simply can’t risk quashing the spread of the virus when it might mean depriving children of up to four days’ education.

“It would be rank hypocrisy to call a national lockdown when the virus isn’t spread evenly throughout the entire nation. This should fix that.”

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Woman only sees GP if internet self-diagnosis is serious

A WOMAN only bothers her GP when the symptoms she has Googled are life-threatening, she has confirmed. 

Joanna Kramer, who has no medical training but does watch House, is fairly expert on the standard diseases, viruses and obscure neurological disorders so does not involve medical professionals unless she enters a search string that really hits the jackpot.

She said: “GPs don’t know that much about medicine. They’re so used to dealing with colds and bad backs that when a genuine case of Guillain-Barre syndrome walks through the door they haven’t got a clue.

“I wouldn’t bother them with flu, or Covid, or when I fall over and gash my head because you can just stick a bag of frozen peas on that. But when WebMD confirms this spot on my forehead is necrotising fasciitis, they need to know.

“I’m incredible at diagnosing myself. Once I’ve discovered exactly what it is I definitely have, I turn up with pages of printed notes, complete with pictures, and tell them precisely what treatment I need.

“It goes to show that you don’t need six years of medical school, just decent wifi.”

Dr Helen Archer, Kramer’s GP, said: “Yeah, she comes in here with three inches of print-outs claiming to have sub-Saharan river blindness. I prescribe asprin.”