The mental and physical health benefits of giving up completely

HAD enough? Can’t be bothered anymore? Here are the astonishing health benefits of no longer trying: 

You’ll get cuddlier

As your body succumbs to the ravages of four-cheese pizza followed by a duo of Gü puds, you’ll develop a warm outer layer perfect for cold winter nights. It’s a great way to avoid catching a chill, and potential partners will line up to save on heating bills.

Your stress levels will drop

As the quality of your work declines, fewer and fewer people will ask you to do anything and there’ll be no expectation that you’ll do it well. With no deadlines, your resulting day-to-day stress levels will be close to that of an obese indoor cat.

You’ll get more sleep

Thatcher only needed five hours of sleep a night, and look where that got her. Your new lifestyle will allow you to replenish much-needed melatonin, whether at 3pm on a Tuesday, noon on a Friday or 10.30am the following Monday.

You’ll live longer

Cycling, running, rock-climbing, crossing busy roads: every strenuous activity has its fair share of dangers. By packing it all in you dramatically decrease the likelihood that you’ll suffer any kind of life-threatening injury, because you’ll never leave the house.

You’ll build up a tolerance to daily poisons

By embracing the overwhelming temptation of booze, junk food and smoking weed, your body will build up a tolerance to the side-effects. Your system will soon adapt to and thrive on an intoxicated, sedentary lifestyle, giving you natural immunity. You’re sure to be one of those smokers who lives to be 101.

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Man with no idea what to get girlfriend for Christmas just going to propose

A MAN who cannot think of anything to give his girlfriend for Christmas this year has decided to simply propose. 

Tom Logan has been with partner Emma Bradford for four years, and after considering options including a Nespresso machine and a Ralph Lauren handbag thought it would be easier to ask her to be his wife.

He said: “Emma’s so difficult to buy for. Most of the stuff she wants she just gets for herself. But not this.

“It came to me when I was browsing beauty gift sets at John Lewis, in despair, basically trying to find one that was the right price. Then I was like: wait. Hang on.

“With proposing, I know it’s something she definitely doesn’t already have and no-one else is going to get her. Is it something she wants? Probably?

“I’ve got a ring which was expensive enough to count as her birthday present too, which kills two birds with one stone, and I’ll propose on Christmas morning before we open our presents.

“I need to get the jump on her just in case she’s got me something fantastic, like a PS5. Proposing would look really shit after that.”