HAD enough? Can’t be bothered anymore? Here are the astonishing health benefits of no longer trying:
You’ll get cuddlier
As your body succumbs to the ravages of four-cheese pizza followed by a duo of Gü puds, you’ll develop a warm outer layer perfect for cold winter nights. It’s a great way to avoid catching a chill, and potential partners will line up to save on heating bills.
Your stress levels will drop
As the quality of your work declines, fewer and fewer people will ask you to do anything and there’ll be no expectation that you’ll do it well. With no deadlines, your resulting day-to-day stress levels will be close to that of an obese indoor cat.
You’ll get more sleep
Thatcher only needed five hours of sleep a night, and look where that got her. Your new lifestyle will allow you to replenish much-needed melatonin, whether at 3pm on a Tuesday, noon on a Friday or 10.30am the following Monday.
You’ll live longer
Cycling, running, rock-climbing, crossing busy roads: every strenuous activity has its fair share of dangers. By packing it all in you dramatically decrease the likelihood that you’ll suffer any kind of life-threatening injury, because you’ll never leave the house.
You’ll build up a tolerance to daily poisons
By embracing the overwhelming temptation of booze, junk food and smoking weed, your body will build up a tolerance to the side-effects. Your system will soon adapt to and thrive on an intoxicated, sedentary lifestyle, giving you natural immunity. You’re sure to be one of those smokers who lives to be 101.