The new Covid strains: a stoner reviews how high they get you

HEAVY weed smoker Jordan Gardner has forgotten more about cannabis than you’ll ever know, and he’s moved on to Covid. His verdict on the latest strains: 

Original COVID-19

A classic full body high that gets you absolutely wrecked. Dry cough, no sense of smell, I felt like I’d done 48 hours in the Grasshopper coffeeshop by Dam Station like I did in 97. Long-term effects for months, so solid value.

Kent Mutant Covid

This aggressively non-cerebral strain deserves all the hype it’s getting, with briefings and lockdowns and shit. One hit and you’re spluttering like a stuck bong and ineffective for between one hour and four years. And it is out there on the streets, mate.

South African Covid

Dank strain from the home of the winter Love Island that the connoisseurs over here are getting into, because there’s no checks at customs or nothing man, they just walk in here with that shit.

Danish Mink Covid

Pretty tough to get hold of, but I know a dude. Races round your system like those f**king minks he posted me raced around my flat. One’s gone, the other’s behind the skirting board. I blow him a bong hit in the evenings, keep him quiet.


No physical effects at all, except the compulsion to tell everyone you’ve had it. Jury’s out on long-term consequences but people avoid you if you talk about it. Disadvantage? Legal.

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Pigeons working-class, RSPB admits

THE Royal Society for the Protection of Birds has admitted that pigeons are a rough bunch of bastards who bring the other birds down. 

The charity, which enjoys a largely affluent membership who like going out to see nuthatches, chaffinches and spotted flycatchers at weekend, has confessed that pigeons are ruining it for everyone.

Spokesman and twitcher Denys Finch Hatton said:  “We’ve held an unofficial ranking of birds based on their perceived economic and social status for decades, and pigeons are right at the bottom.

“Peacocks are obviously upper-class, strolling around manors disdainfully. Most of your common garden birds are middle-class and like a big garden and a hanging basket. Magpies are lower-middle, but aspiring.

“When it comes to seagulls, it really comes down to whether they’re from Grimsby or Salcombe. But pigeons are the long-term benefit claimants of the bird world. Absolute scum.”

Pigeon James Baker agreed: “Yeah, we hang around concrete regional shopping centres, lower-league football grounds and flat-roof pubs. Plus we all voted Brexit.

“Though my cousin Pete’s always pecking at discarded sourdough out front of an organic bakery in Islington. Thinks he’s better than us.”