The new Covid strains: a stoner reviews how high they get you

HEAVY weed smoker Jordan Gardner has forgotten more about cannabis than you’ll ever know, and he’s moved on to Covid. His verdict on the latest strains: 

Original COVID-19

A classic full body high that gets you absolutely wrecked. Dry cough, no sense of smell, I felt like I’d done 48 hours in the Grasshopper coffeeshop by Dam Station like I did in 97. Long-term effects for months, so solid value.

Kent Mutant Covid

This aggressively non-cerebral strain deserves all the hype it’s getting, with briefings and lockdowns and shit. One hit and you’re spluttering like a stuck bong and ineffective for between one hour and four years. And it is out there on the streets, mate.

South African Covid

Dank strain from the home of the winter Love Island that the connoisseurs over here are getting into, because there’s no checks at customs or nothing man, they just walk in here with that shit.

Danish Mink Covid

Pretty tough to get hold of, but I know a dude. Races round your system like those f**king minks he posted me raced around my flat. One’s gone, the other’s behind the skirting board. I blow him a bong hit in the evenings, keep him quiet.

Covid-CBD 

No physical effects at all, except the compulsion to tell everyone you’ve had it. Jury’s out on long-term consequences but people avoid you if you talk about it. Disadvantage? Legal.