Woman who ‘can’t help putting on weight’ is free energy machine

A WOMAN who claims to put on weight no matter how little she eats could solve the world’s energy crisis, it has emerged.

Donna Sheridan claims to consume less calories than she expends while still gaining weight, which means she is breaking the laws of physics.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Donna is clearly generating energy from nothing. There’s no other explanation for her getting bigger despite sticking rigidly to whatever silly diet she’s on this month.

“If we can replicate this ability on a larger scale we can theoretically generate an infinite amount of energy from Ryvitas, celery and low-fat Philadelphia.

“Mankind will finally be able to stop destroying our planet and fighting wars over energy resources. Interstellar travel may even become possible, all thanks to Donna’s failed attempts to get down to a size 14.”

Teaching assistant Sheridan is adamant that her metabolism – which is different to that of everyone else on earth – meant weight gain was inevitable, even with a complete ban on biscuits.

She said: “Some people put on weight no matter what, and it’s nothing to do with having a strange definition of ‘diet’ that includes constantly grazing on M&Ms and putting slightly less mayo on your kebab.”

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Open the f**king door, Dry January people tell landlords

PUBS are surrounded by hordes of desperate, angry Dry January participants.

Former Dry January people, realising that their hell is over, have gathered in large half-dressed mobs wherever alcohol is sold. Where necessary they are using their fists and pieces of furniture to smash their way in.

Office worker Mary Fisher is one of the angry horde outside the Hope & Anchor pub in Stepney. She said: “Why isn’t it fucking open? It’s nearly five in the morning, they should be open now, shouldn’t they? OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR.

“I would just quite like a drink, that’s all.”

Bus driver Stephen Malley said: “If I remember a single minute of February then something has gone wrong.

“Taking a month off was interesting but now all I can think about is the taste, look and smell of beer. By this point anything vaguely amber in colour looks like lager to me, earlier I licked a golden retriever.”