You're covered in shit, say experts

FOR Christ’s sake stop touching each other with your filthy hands, experts have warned.

The Institute for Studies found that most people in Britain are covered in their own faeces and said it was now moving its headquarters to Zurich.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Get the fuck away from me.”

He added: “If you are in a meeting today be aware that the person sitting across from you has probably just been for a shit without washing their hands and that they are thinking exactly the same thing about you.

“Meanwhile, you have all just shaken hands so their shit is now on you and your shit is now on them.

“But don’t let that distract you from your important business.”

Professor Brubaker continued: “Why can’t you just wash your hands? Why, in the name of God, can you not just wash your hands?

“Presumably you can see the sinks all lined up when you come out of the cubicle. Perhaps you think they’re a special kind of toilet for people who prefer to defecate three feet off the ground.

“Don’t touch me.”



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Cath Kidston unveils nuclear war-themed collection

DESIGNER Cath Kidston’s winter collection merges rustic chic with nuclear war imagery.

In the surprisingly bleak ‘Nuclear Winter’ collection, Kidston’s trademark ‘rose’ print will be replaced by a pattern of grotesquely mutated embryos with single bulging eyes and lumpy, protruding foreheads.

Cath Kidston said: “While pottering around the bucolic splendour of my Cotswolds home, I came to contemplate the extinction of human life in a sea of atomic fire.

“Recent world events suggest that as far as nuclear destruction goes, it’s not ‘when’ but ‘if’.

“I’ve reflected this sense of unavoidable doom in a series of effortlessly feminine mutant fetus-patterned dresses, mushroom cloud tablecloths and radiation-proof ‘forever bags’.”

Kidston’s high street stores will be remodelled to reflect the aftermath of a nuclear strike, with shattered windows, charred human remains and members of staff on fire.

Middle-aged woman Emma Bradford said: “At first I was a bit shocked, but the tiny screaming faces are done in such a way they actually look very pretty.

“I shall be wearing my mutant fetus dress to a spa pamper day this weekend.”