Subscribe

American comes to Europe hoping it'll be shit

AN American on a trip of a lifetime to Europe is hoping it will be crime-ridden, poverty-stricken and without air conditioning.

Trump supporter Jordan Gardner of North Carolina cannot wait to find out if Europe is as poor, backwards, filthy and full of dumb, ugly liberals as his friends online tell him it is.

He said: “I land in Londonistan at 4pm, and I’m hoping to get my phone snatched by illegals on motor scooters by 4.45pm at the latest.

“I’ve made sure to book into a hotel without air conditioning, which the asshole limeys have never even heard of, and then I’ll go to a ‘pub’ where the beer will be warm and Millwall fans will ‘boot my nut in’ when I tell them their sport is gay. Looking forward to it!

“After that I go to France, where they don’t even speak goddamn English, and Germany where they’d be speaking German if it wasn’t for us. I’ll see the Eiffel Tower which isn’t as tall as Freedom Tower, the Mona Lisa which sucks, and I’ll knock down the Berlin Wall.

“During all of that I hope to be mugged, drugged and if possible sodomised by Islamic invaders who’ve taken over the continent and turned it into a cesspit. I’ve scheduled that as a livestream.

“Finally, I’ll turn down all socialist healthcare, drag my broken, bleeding, overheated body onto a flight home, arrive in the wonderful 64ºF US and attend the US Semiquincentennial grateful I was smart enough to be born American. I hope Trump rambles.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

'Can I use it in the car?': A sadly necessary Q&A for disposable barbecue twats

THE number of blazes caused by disposable barbecues suggests idiots may still need advice on their use. Read this Q&A before you start randomly committing arson.

So what’s the problem again?

It’s all down to a thing called ‘fire’, which has a surprising tendency to ‘spread’ and burn things you weren’t trying to cook, such as fields, fences and your house. Curse those irresponsible barbecue manufacturers for putting deadly fire in them.

Can I use a disposable barbecue in the car?

Technically, yes. The barbecue can definitely be ignited on the back seat of a moving car, but most people choose not to because it’s mental and you might die horribly in a burning vehicle. If that’s too complicated a scenario for you to grasp, don’t do it because your sausages will keep rolling off and getting fluff on them.

Are they safe for my dog to use?

Not really. Dogs are likely to drool on the barbecue tongs and have a poor understanding of food hygiene generally. Why are you asking this?

Can I use it to dry my hair?

You probably could get your hair quite dry over a barbecue, but there’s a risk of burns and smoke inhalation, not to mention the huge amount of faff. That said, disposable barbecues are £5 cheaper than the cheapest hairdryer on Amazon, so some f**kwit will have tried it.

Where do I dump my barbecue when I’ve finished with it?

You’d think that the moment you’ve rammed your food down your gullet you’d be free to abandon a smouldering BBQ on a crowded beach, in a busy picnic area or in a litter bin full of paper. But strangely you’re expected to safely put out a fire hazard that is entirely your responsibility.

Why should I bother putting it out?

Good question. You’ve realised that putting a barbecue out properly doesn’t directly benefit you personally. We’d try to explain the Golden Rule and the social contract but that will be hard work. Luckily there’s the much simpler concept of ‘you might go to prison and get bummed’ to deter you.

If I forget the burgers can I use a cow from a field?

No, because the cow belongs to a farmer. There are other issues of practicality and basic standards of decency, but let’s keep it idiot-proof and just say Farmer Giles will be angry. Also it’s unlikely that a £4.50 disposable barbecue will cook a 1,200lb cow, unless you like your steak really rare. And horrific.

Can I use it on a garage forecourt?

If you’re peckish on the way to the beach it’s tempting to whip out the barbie and rustle up a burger while you’re filling up with petrol. But it’s generally better to buy a Twix. Just take our word for that.

Next story ›