Britain ‘mystified’ more seven-year-old children haven’t made unaccompanied 2,300 mile journey from Syria

MILLIONS of Britons are surprised at how few seven-year-old refugees have journeyed alone across the whole of Europe. 

The admittance of a handful of child refugees to the UK has seen widespread complaints that they are not small girls wearing artfully tattered clothing and clutching a one-eyed teddy bear.

Francesca Johnson, from Colchester, said: “My ideal refugee would be a girl aged between four and seven who lost her parents to the monsters of ISIS. Not Assad’s forces, that makes it too ambiguous.

“She’d have crossed the Mediterranean in a tyre and struggled through European countries filled with cruel stereotypes to reach the beacon of kindness and fair play that is Britain, but wouldn’t have aged in the face and would still have lovely pigtails.

“I’d accept boys, but with an upper limit of three years old because they’re not cute after that and get into mischief. Meaning terrorism.”

Roy Hobbs, from Darlington, agreed: “I tell you what, some of these 5,000 civilians fleeing the battle of Mosul look over 18 to me.

“I’ll need a bloody good explanation of why they didn’t stay in that warzone. Because they want to claim benefits, I bet.”

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Shots are not a round, say experts

SHOTS do not count as a round of drinks, expert drinkers have agreed. 

The decision means that anyone who has been dispatched to get their round in and returns with a tray of shots totalling less than 330ml in liquid volume can be told to go back and try again.

Dr Helen Archer said: “First, shots completely ignore the social aspect of drinking, where the slow process of intoxication facilitates the development of conversations and builds rapport.

“Second, not everyone wants a shot. Not even if you imply they are boring for not wanting a shot.

“Third, shots are cheap. Buying shots doesn’t make you the party dude. It makes you the miserly bastard.

“In conclusion, shots are not a round. Get back to the bar and get us what we ordered.”

Archer added: “Leave the shots. We’ll have them. Shame to waste good shots.”