Clinton takes ill as Trump closes poll gap and everyone goes to their happy place

HILLARY Clinton’s illness and Donald Trump’s improving poll ratings have led to a global upsurge in thinking happy thoughts about lovely things.

Millions of people around the world are to spend the day dreaming of sunlit alpine meadows and crystal clear mountain streams.

Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “I am emerging from a forest into a clearing that is scattered with fragrant wildflowers.

“It is silent, perfect and forever beyond the reach of a dangerous imbecile who wants to turn it into a golf course surrounded by a massive wall.”

Mr Logan spoke while pushing his way onto a packed commuter train full of glassy-eyed people with placid smiles.

He added: “Look! A fawn!”

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30-year-old man unveils plan to just get fatter and fatter

A 30-YEAR-OLD man has announced that he will be getting fatter and fatter over the coming decades.

Tom Booker informed his friends and family of the decision, saying that it was out of his control unless he did regular exercise, which was highly unlikely.

Booker said: I was never that health-conscious before I turned 30 so I unless I get hooked on jogging, then I’ve just got to accept it’s elasticated pants from here on in.

“Over the next five years I’ll get quite fat, and by the time I’m 45 I’ll be really fat.

The other alternative is to start taking hard drugs, that’d keep the weight off. I would probably lose my teeth a bit quicker than I’d like but I suppose it’s all about getting the right balance.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies added: “Buddha once said, ‘Decay is inherent in all compound things. Strive on with diligence’.

He was a fat, bald bastard though so he was bound to say that.”