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Dubai the new Blackpool

THE once-popular resort of Dubai, with all its grand edifices that nobody wants anything to do with any longer, is to become the Middle East’s Blackpool.  

Like the Lancashire resort Dubai is not on a particularly nice stretch of coastline, has intolerable weather, and now its moment has passed nobody can really remember why they used to go there.

Travel expert Francesca Johnson said: “Iran’s missiles are hitting Dubai with the same impact cheap weeks in Torremolinos hit Blackpool in the 1970s. Holidaymakers are stunned by the realisation that a big tower isn’t all that anyway.

“I imagine the city, now everyone’s realised it’s just another shithole-by-sea, will invent something like the Illuminations to draw in life’s bottom-feeders.

“We’re still in the moment where we imagine it’ll be spectacular as an abandoned ruin. But have you seen Blackpool?”

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Ireland's rich culture and complicated history celebrated via beer

IRELAND’S proud Celtic heritage and long, complex history is being celebrated by millions drinking ceremonial pints of beer.

Ireland’s fraught past of Celtic settlement, British rule, famine and rebellion is being saluted in the time-honoured way by putting away multiple Guinnesses in a bar that has briefly hung up some shamrocks.

Oliver O’Connor of Cork said: “You’d think it would be impossible to sum up everything from the Battle of Clontarf to the Good Friday Agreement in one delicious symbol. Think again.

“The good bartenders of Wetherspoon’s have handled the challenge of representing Ireland with utmost solemnity by asking me ‘what’s the craic’ as they pour my pint. They even had a go at the accent and drew a… shape in the foam. Talk about respectful.”

Dubliner Susan Traherne said: “I needn’t have worried that Saint Patrick’s Day would be alienating for English people. If anything you Sasanaigh have shown me how to mark the occasion properly by getting shitfaced on stout.

“Here I was, missing the point by going on parades and dancing at a céilithe. How embarrassing. I hope I don’t offend you by following your customs of wearing a Guinness hat and downing eight pints.”

She added: “Just look at all those lads passed out on the street in solemn remembrance of the long fight for home rule. Brings a tear to your eye.”

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