England team at no risk of poison or qualifying for second round, promises Putin

VLADIMIR Putin has promised that the England squad will be safe from both poison attacks and the second-round at this summer’s World Cup.

The Russian president gave his word that there will be no state-sponsored ‘dirty tricks’ in the group stages and guaranteed that England will exit after three games.

He added: “Apart from the ‘group of death’, which is usually the group with the toughest teams in but this year is the group with Russia in, nobody need worry.

“I can therefore reassure the squad and any fans who travel to savour the thrilling disappointment in person they will suffer neither from either state-sponsored terrorism or heartbreaking hope.

“If only Scotland could have been here to receive that same reassurance. Such a shame.”