‘Sexy’ baths never, ever sexy

GETTING into a tub of tepid water with another human being always results in  disappointment, a couple have confirmed.

After many attempts, Martin and Emma Bishop have finally given up on their ‘erotic bath times’ which always start with a tense stand off over who gets the tap end.

Martin Bishop said: “It looks amazing in one of those huge hot tubs they have on telly, but it just doesn’t translate to our bath. Maybe it’s because the room is so tiny that someone has to have their face disturbingly close to the toilet bowl.

“No matter how hard we try to get the temperature right, the water starts out painfully scalding before cooling so rapidly that we’re sitting there shivering like sad, wet greyhounds within about 10 minutes.

“Then we basically pretend we’re having a nice time despite the fact that our feet are firmly wedged in each other’s arse cracks and we’re both becoming slowly and unattractively puckered like withered, pale potatoes.

“So we’ve agreed that we’re past the age where we need to see each other’s flabby, fully naked bodies, unless it’s a medical emergency.”

Emma Bishop added: “Thank fuck.”

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Fantastic co-worker uses ‘amazeballs’ and ‘interweb’ in same sentence

A MIDDLE manager who says ‘interweb’ instead of ‘internet’ is a joy to work with, it has been confirmed.

Colleagues of team leader Richard Jones have expressed their delight that he persists in using the term, as well as ‘amazeballs’ and ‘jus sayin’.

Employee Sasha Thomas said: “Richard is such a brilliant guy – his language choices demonstrate that all day, every day.

“He says ‘nom’ every lunchtime while he’s eating his pasta salad and then tells us about something ‘amazeballs’ he found on the ‘interweb’. He’s awesome.”

Other staff members have highlighted Jones’s inspiring commitment to linguistic playfulness during challenging moments.

Office manager Tina Graham said: “He was giving a speech about making several people redundant last week and managed to slip in an ‘obvs’ and a ‘jus sayin’.

“That’s commitment. What a cool dude.”