EU ‘massively impressed’ by the way Britain’s handling Brexit

THE European Union has praised Britain for the calm, efficient way it has dealt with Brexit.

European leaders and EU officials stressed that negotiating with their British counterparts was always a joy because they show such maturity, intelligence and organisation.

A French government spokesman said: “We’re sure that if and when you actually have a government and a prime minister everything will be fine.

“I have no doubt your parliament will then ratify any agreements, assuming it hasn’t resigned en masse and emigrated to New Zealand.”

A Labour Party spokesman said: “This is my first day. I seem to be the only person here. How does this work? Do you ask me questions?”

Meanwhile, a Downing Street spokesman said: “I don’t care about anything anymore.”

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Glastonbury to be held in large gymnasium from now on

MUD-COVERED Glastonbury wretches have agreed it is best if the festival is held in a big sports hall from now on. 

Organiser Michael Eavis has provisionally booked Pilton Sports & Leisure Centre for June 21st to 25th 2017, citing its roof, sprung wooden floors and refreshment facilities as reasons it will be a clear improvement.

Glastonbury veteran Tom Booker said: “This morning, as my welly was sucked from my foot by a bubbling, foetid pool of human waste, I asked myself: what sin would I be committing if I listened to this in a room with a ceiling?

“What has rock ’n’ roll got against ceilings?

“A farm is a bloody ridiculous place to listen to music. At least the cows get to stay in a barn for the three days. I yearn for a barn.”

Eavis said: “One time in 1970, after a spliff, I looked out at my back garden and thought ‘You know, T. Rex should play there’.

“It’s not my fault people agreed with me. I don’t know why they did.”