Euro debt crisis to be solved with 200 billion opinions

THE European Union is close to agreeing a deal to save the single
currency with a fresh injection of 200 billion opinions into the
thinking system.

EU leaders spent the weekend angrily comparing opinions before a breakthrough emerged last night with the wide-scale acceptance that the eurozone could only be saved from collapse with even more opinions.

The deal will create a European Opinion Bank where debt-ridden countries can apply for thoughts, musings and conjecture about why their capital city is burning to the ground.

Tom Logan, deputy chief economist at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “The key thing right now is to keep the opinion supply flowing. We have to avoid a repeat of Lehman Brothers where opinion suddenly dried up to the point that there was only one opinion left.”

But it has emerged that Britain could be spared a hefty eurozone opinion bill after French President Nicolas Sarkozy told prime minister David Cameron ‘to ram his opinions back up his merde-hole’.

French finance minister, Francois Baroin, said his country would contribute an initial tranche of 250 million shrugs, while Germany’s Wolfgang Schauble said that while he was trying to be really nice about it there was only one great big opinion that mattered and we would all do well not to forget that.

Spanish finance minister, Elena Salgado, said her government would have an opinion tomorrow while Ireland’s Michael Noonan said if he was going to have an opinion about the eurozone debt crisis he wouldn’t start from here.

Their Italian counterpart, Giulio Tremonti, said his opinion was available for £50,000 and a big, dirty woman.

Meanwhile Greek finance minister Evangelos Venizelos said his country would soon be able to pay back some opinions along with interesting comments and was told to shut his face right fucking now. 



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England demands its own word for 'schadenfreude'

AMID unprecedented levels of schadenfreude, England said it is now time it had its own word for it.

As teams people hate lost badly, fans have agreed to come together and devise a proper English term that captures the sheer intensity of malicious sporting glee.

Early suggestions include ‘badhappy’, ‘fergendipity’ and ‘fuckyoument’ (‘when the sixth goal went in I was overcome with fuckyoument’).

Meanwhile Scottish people have suggested the word ‘Scottish’.

Yesterday’s festival of fuckyoument began mid-morning when France was beaten in a rugby world cup final that England had no hope of reaching and climaxed when millions experienced the dirty thrill of cheering on Joey Barton.

Sportologist Wayne Hayes said: “When Chris Foy started waving his yellow card at the Chelsea players like a Manchester United fan trying to hail a cab outside Old Trafford, I really did fear I was going to wank myself unconscious.”

Experts at the Institute for Studies have produced a seismic timeline after measuring yesterday’s events with their schadenfreudometer.

0900: France try to out-stare the New Zealand haka but just look like 15 veal calves staring at a stun gun. Everyone giggles a bit.

1030: New Zealand somehow manage to choke in the final of a major tournament yet again but still beat France. Commemorative garments are ordered.

1353: Manchester United concede a goal to a man unable to not burn his own house down.

1432: Jonny Evans. The English Defence League releases a statement announcing its immediate disbanding, claiming that a country where stuff like this happens can’t be too bad after all.

1514: Dzeko scores a goal by mistake. Millions see Alex Ferguson chewing gum so furiously he appears to be beating it up in his mouth. Mobile phone networks go into meltdown with people texting ‘Aaaaaaaaah!’ to everybody in their contacts list.

1610: Chelsea’s David Luiz concedes a penalty after acting like a pensioner trying to get to the front of a bus queue. England holds its sides and asks the television to please stop.

1707: England get another one-day hammering from India, but the nation barely notices as John Terry is currently looking like a little boy who’s just had his PS3 confiscated by a massive, lesbian gym teacher.

1745: With seven Chelsea players booked and two sent off, QPR manage to beat them with a squad costing roughly the same as Fernando Torres’ smallest eye lash.

1800: Oxford English Dictionary confirms spent, gleeful nation must now have its own word for what has just happened.