Future of Western civilisation at stake thanks to me, says 'proud' Trump

PRESIDENT Trump has confirmed that the future of Western civilisation stands in the balance if it continues to elect imbecilic despots like himself. 

Trump, who first heard of Poland last week, will tell a country which has spent the majority of its history being invaded that it must have the ‘will to survive’.

The speech, which Trump will read as if attempting to prove he can, continues: “The fundamental question of our times is whether Western values will survive if Western voters continue to make fuckheaded decisions. 

“Will democracy perish if enough leaders are elected who hate it? The example I provide suggests definitely yes, and with ample justification. 

“Unless we stand strong against the enemies of Western democracy, the chief one of which I’m meeting tomorrow and plan to giggle girlishly at, then we are doomed. We are doomed.” 

Krzysztof Dudziak of Warsaw said: “A laughable, but still frightening, demagogue spouting some rabble-rousing tripe. It takes you back to 1939.” 

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Politics to have football-style season to give voters break from relentless horseshit

POLITICS is to be run on a season-to-season basis like football, in order to give the public regular breaks from the unbearable quantity of shit.

With even the most hardened politics fans currently sickened by the very thought of it, the introduction of a three month period where no politics is allowed has met with widespread support.

Political strategist Martin Bishop said: “Everyone needs a fucking break from politics once in a while. Outside of the season, even members of the public will be banned from discussing it.

We are also thinking of some sort of Politics European Cup but that’s looking less and less likely with every day.”

It has also been announced that MPs leaving parties will be limited to a ‘politician transfer window’ in July and January.

Bishop added: “The new system would mean parties could also buy politicians from each other with the Bosman system also being available for MPs without parties.”

Douglas Carswell is currently available on a free transfer though the takers are looking severely limited with many suggesting Tony Hibbert would be better value for money.