Germany and Greece told to 'get a war'

GERMANY and Greece have been told to stop flirting and get on with the war they both desperately desire.

The rest of the EU is sick of the two countries tiptoeing around their obvious violent attraction to each other and has ordered them to quit talking about it and just do it.

Jean-Claude Juncker said: “Every summit it’s like ‘Greece said it wants war reparations, what do you think it means?’ and ‘Has Germany been talking about our economic reforms again?’.”

Meanwhile, protests have been lodged by surrounding countries who do not want to have to listen to Greece and Germany going at it hammer and tongs for weeks on end.

German chancellor Angela Merkel said: “Us? With Greece? No way is that going to happen.

“Unless you think they would be into it?”


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Champions League quarter finals 'are an ancient myth'

AFTER yet another failed attempt to reach the quarter-finals of the Champions League, British clubs have concluded they do not exist. 

The fabled league, which claims to hold a showcase final in a major European stadium every year, may have existed once but passed into legend long, long ago.

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger said: “I have mounted attempt after attempt, season after season, using only my very best men and state-of-the-art technology, and we always end at the same point.

“Chelsea claim to have been there – and even to the final, which no sane man believes in – as recently as 2012, but there are no reliable witnesses.

“Even John Terry admitted that he didn’t actually play in the final and that the pictures of him in full kit with the trophy were staged fakes.”