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Gran likes Winter Olympics because everyone is white and the ice dancing

YOUR grandmother is thrilled the Winter Olympics are back because 75 per cent of the competitors are white and the figure skating is lovely to watch.

Quietly bigoted Margaret Gerving, aged 75, has far more enthusiasm for the winter version of the Olympic Games because of the pretty dresses and the dominance of Swiss, Norwegian, Austrian and Canadian people.

She explained: “The moves, the costumes, the music, it’s magical. I’ve been a fan ever since Torvill and Dean. They were a lovely couple. Not like that Linford Christie.

“But I also enjoy the other events, like the ski jump and the tobogganing because almost everyone has names you can pronounce and an honest face you can trust, even the Germans.

“There are times when you’re surprised the girl doing the triple axel is Japanesen or something, but they’re spinning so fast you hardly notice. And they’re only in their early 20s so I doubt they were involved with the war.

“I’m not prejudiced. I had Cool Runnings on VHS, but it’s just better, the winter one isn’t it? Not so many unnecessary events cluttering things up. Cleaner. Purer.”

She added: “And Scotland always win the curling. Good on them. They can’t win at anything else, but they win that.”

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Licking chocolate out of a nappy, and other demeaning baby shower activities

STAG and hen dos are now a f**king nightmare for everyone involved, so baby showers were the logical next step. 

Now celebrating the mature decision to bring new life into the world requires performing these infantilising activities with all your closest friends and your nan:

Shit-licking

The part of babies everyone least looks forward to is the high-pressure liquid hellfire from their arse, so why not use that to ruin chocolate? Sniffing and consuming melted Dairy Milk from a Pampers is a wonderfully symbolic way of telling you everything you once enjoyed as an adult activity, right down to your own boobs, is the baby’s now.

Size-shaming

Carrying an extra human being around is f**king knackering without worrying about how you look. But now it’s time for everyone to size you up like a prize heifer and guess just how big your weird bumpy belly has got. And why not keep the fun going from there! How big will the baby’s head be? Will the birth give you haemorrhoids, and how many?

Messy mummy

This one prepares the mother for the long, cold trudge of doing craft activities with your beloved child. For afternoons that feel like years. Winding toilet paper around your 31-year-old adult friend to facilitate the world’s most tedious pun isn’t a good time, but it makes a mess and you hate it so it’s very like the average craft session.

Who’s the baby? 

Collecting the baby photos of all attendees and holding a little quiz isn’t gross, necessarily, but does have a whiff of the totalitarian. And it’s also an ideal activity for making the only friend there who isn’t Caucasian feel uncomfortably left out.

Nappy practice

More chores! Race to clothe a fictitious infant – often a melon, causing your fanny to clench in terror – in a nappy fastest. If successful, you win the grand prize of being already competent at something you’ve got years worth of ahead of you and giving your partner an excellent excuse to duck out of it. Nobody wins.

Pin the sperm on the egg

Bringing the hen party vibes, apart from you’re pregnant so can’t drink. Still, an ad-hoc biology lesson reminds you how you got here and you can stab the pin in extra hard in frustration at your partner and all his mates who are all off having a beer instead of being forced to undertake this f**king charade.

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