Ireland to build bridge to France

IRELAND has confirmed it is beginning work on the Waterford-Caen overpass to link two countries that have yet to go mad. 

The bridge wil span 600km and go directly from Ireland to the French port of Caen, supported by enormous concrete pillars offshore of Devon and Dorset while not directly touching the pariah state of the UK at any point.

Taioseach Leo Varadkar said: “Perhaps the magnificent span of this bridge will become a tourist attraction in England. We don’t care. That’s not what it’s about.

“We have goods to sell, France and Germany and the rest have business to conduct, and we’re frankly sick of you lot getting in the way so we’re cutting out the middleman.

“Viewing galleries will be installed for our voyeuristic citizens to look down on the poor benighted tribes of the English, and we’ll even scatter crates of medicine to watch you fight for them.

“Otherwise the Franco-Gaelic Overpass will be off limits to Britons. You’ll hear our trucks blaring Vanessa Paradis and U2 as they pass, and pick up our discarded Tayto packets and Orangina bottles, but that’s all. Good luck with your Brexit thing.”

Taunton resident Roy Hobbs said: “I’m not happy about my house being in shadow 20 hours a day. I’m going to the EU court. Ah yeah. I forgot.”

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F**king show-off sends Christmas cards

A WOMAN has only gone and posted everyone lovely, thoughtful Christmas cards like a f**king ars*hole.    

Emma Bradford, who is seemingly determined to make everyone hate her, actually hand-wrote at least 24 cards to family and friends before sending them in plenty of time.

Sister Kelly said: “P*ss off Emma, you ostentatious twat.

“The moment I saw a handwritten card on the doormat my bile began to rise. Who has time to write out cards with an actual pen, put a stamp on them and post them in the big red thingy?

“I also heard she buys everyone Christmas gifts from shops, not Amazon. And wraps them herself. What a d*ck.

“This isn’t a ‘nice’ gesture. This is a message that clearly says ‘I am better at Christmas than you’ and demands we bow down in fealty.

“Personally, I’ll be sending everyone a Facebook message featuring a GIF of a cat in a Santa hat on Monday. Because I’m not a swaggering egotistical w*nker.”