It’s been real, says Scotland

SCOTLAND has thanked the rest of the UK for the good times on its way out. 

The country, which has been in political union with England and Wales for more than 300 years, is reminiscing about happier moments while hastily packing bags.

It continued: “Remember back in the 19th century, where you were making our new inventions as fast as we could invent them?

“Yeah, you used to make stuff. You’ve forgotten that. And hey, what about all those Scottish prime ministers? You know, back in the 00s when you hadn’t completely arsed up your economy.

“Anyway, yeah, got sort of attached to Europe now, free trade and funding and all that, so gonna have to move on but you’ve got your sovereignty haven’t you, so you’ll be fine.

“We’ll still be just next door, of course, so drop by any time. With your passport. No, afraid if you want to work here you will need a visa.

“See you! Don’t be a stranger! Don’t worry about the door, we’ll pipe ourselves out.”

Scotland added: “Dumb nationalist pricks.”

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‘Well, I f**ked that up, didn’t I?’’ says Cameron

DAVID Cameron has confirmed that he well and truly fucked that up.

Addressing the nation from the steps of Number 10, the prime minister said: “Christ almighty, what the hell was I playing at?

“Giving provincial England – and the sodding Welsh – the chance to actively vote against foreigners? Mad. Just mad.”

Pausing for reflection, he then added: “Actually, you know what? Go fuck yourselves you bunch of ghastly, ill-educated, working class tits.

“What have you ever done? I was prime minister for six years, meanwhile you were all doing your best to qualify for the Jeremy Kyle Show.

“And let’s just see how Sunderland gets on when Nissan moves its Qashqai factory to Bulgaria. That will cheer me right up.”

Mr Cameron then stood silently in front of the media while giving the finger with both hands.