Macedonia changes name to Republic of North Funkytown

THE GREEK parliament has ratified a law allowing the neighbouring Republic of Macedonia to change its name to the Republic of North Funkytown.

The change, which takes place with immediate effect, is expected to settle diplomatic relations and dramatically increase tourism to the region.

Resident Kiril Dimusevski said: “I’m all in favour of living in Funkytown. Who wouldn’t be?

“We’ve also got a new national anthem, to be perfomed by Lipps Inc at the unveiling ceremony, which beats that Greek dirge into a pulp.

“Bascially, we’re the first country to accept that Europe only exists for British people to visit for stag and hen nights, and we’ve tailored ourselves accordingly. The bookings are flooding in.”

Fellow Republic of North Funkytowner Emma Bradford added: “We did consider the name ‘Greece Plus’, but apparently Greece had a problem with it.”

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Man's focus in life narrows to being in for a delivery

A MAN has given up on his job, his relationships and his family ensure he is in when a package arrives at his house.

Julian Cook of Harrogate has not attended any social or work engagements since New Year and has all his groceries delivered while scanning the street waving at other deliverymen to signal he is in.

He said: “I’m tracking the parcel and it says it’s out for delivery, so I need to sit here in the front window until it comes, while simultaneously refreshing my laptop. Just to be sure.

“I’m sure work understands. It’s just an unfortunate coincidence that my working hours take place between 8am and 8pm, and that’s when it’s due.

“Theoretically it could arrive at any time, but I know it’ll come the minute I let my guard down and make the mistake of going about my normal life.

“I’m not taking any chances, even if it means I have to urinate in a bottle. Actually I’ve got used to it.”

Delivery driver Stephen Malley said: “It’s a game of cat and mouse, but he’ll slip up. And that’s when I, and my ‘sorry we missed you!’ card, will pounce.”