Make Goodwin Give Back His Pension, Brown Tells Obama

GORDON Brown will today ask Barak Obama to make that horrid Fred Goodwin give his pension back.

The prime minister will urge the US president to use his famous charm on the former RBS executive, or failing that, torture.

Mr Brown said: "Let's at least try the charm. Maybe they could go for lunch and the president could flash that lovely smile and call him 'the Fredster' and if that doesn't work then the CIA could shove a black bag over his head and throw him in the back of a van.

"Of course, as a member of the British government I've no idea what would happen next, though I did read an article somewhere about water and electrodes and I think there might have been something about testicles."

Mr Brown said his first summit meeting with President Obama was a vital stage in the development of a new global understanding of why Fred Goodwin should not get that pension.

He added: "Before I came here I consulted with my EU counterparts as well as the leaders of Japan, Russia, Brazil, India, China, Israel, Iraq and Afghanistan and they all said the top priority was getting at least £8 million back, if not 10."

Meanwhile chancellor Alistair Darling has admitted the financial crisis was the result of a 'collective failure' that may or may not have included certain politicians.

He added: "Maybe someone who has a lot of experience at the Treasury. Someone who is Scottish, likes Raith Rovers, has this weird jutting jaw thing going on, only has one eye, are you with me yet?"

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Scientists To Continue Stem-Cell Research Purely To Annoy Christians

LEADING scientists last night rejected a new ‘ethical’ stem cell technique insisting it would do nothing to annoy fundamentalist Christians.

The new method takes human skin cells and makes them behave like embryonic stem cells in a breakthrough that has disappointed researchers across the globe.

But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “I did not spend eight years at university just to adopt research methods that do not annoy the holy living shit out of the Jesus freaks.

“I got into this business to take science and rub it in their stupid, medieval, voodoo faces.

“It always puzzled me why they got so annoyed given that the embryo in question had no brain or nervous system and how to the untrained eye it was impossible to tell if was a human or a sea horse.

“Nevertheless they would open up their bibles and point to the bits about the sanctity of this and the holiness of that and I’d point to the bit about how it’s forbidden to eat cormorants.”

Professor Brubaker said he and his colleagues liked to play with the tiny embryos and would often use them to act out scenes from the New Testament including the Sermon on the Mount and the feeding of the five thousand.

The professor stressed that stem cells will also have a wide range of clinical uses with the exception of bringing someone back to life after they have been nailed to a cross, ‘because that’s just a dangerously insane fairy story’.

He added: “If only I could find some way of manipulating the embryo to make it gay.”