Mitt Romney living in White House cellar

FORMER presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has been secretly living in the basement of the White House.

Romney crept in through an open window during Obama’s victory speech and made himself a crude ‘nest’ behind some boxes of old paperbacks.

Over the past few days he has been emerging into the White House at night to steal provisions and wash himself in the kitchen sink.

A White House aide said: “Sasha Obama had been complaining about ‘rats’. Turns out it was Mitt, scurrying around between the walls, looking for the president’s bedroom.

“Security found him coming out of an air vent clutching a rake.”

Romney told police that he had not intended to harm the president or his family.

He said: “My plan was to influence policymaking by whispering in Obama’s ear at night about Israel and lower taxation. He’d just think I was his subconscious mind.

“Actually, during the last week I read my way through a box of old National Geographics. It was the first non-compulsory reading I’ve done.

“Turns out pygmies are pretty amazing.”



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Wilshere to jump a row of buses during England friendly

ARSENE Wenger has criticised Roy Hodgson’s decision to have Jack Wilshere perform half-time daredevil stunts in Stockholm next week. 

The midfielder is returning to football after a lengthy injury spell that saw Arsenal physios lay all his constituent body parts on a blanket in the treatment room like a fleshy piece of flat pack furniture.

Wenger said: “While we we’re always willing to work with the England camp, personally I think it’s too early in Jack’s recovery to have him try and fist-fight with a puma.”