NSA feared invasion by orcs

WORLD of Warcraft was monitored by NSA agents to assess the risk of orcs invading mainland America, it has been confirmed.

The online contraceptive features ten million users, making them the world’s second-largest standing army behind North Korea.

US agents feared they could have banded together to hit bits of the internet with their swords.

Pretend goblin Wayne Hayes of the Hellfire Citadel and Carlisle said: “I have +7 insurgence and the Helm Of Civil Unrest so I can see why they would fear me.

“My cabal of warriors and I could have rained down a storm of destruction, so long as it didn’t take more than the four hours online my mum has rationed me to each evening.”

The decision to target the game came after the discovery that Osama Bin Laden, was once a level 47 Mage called Sulayman The Infidel Destroyer and that a 2009 bomb plot was in retaliation for a failed Alzin The Wildshaper quest.

Spies infiltrating the game were spotted in taverns recruiting for anti-democracy quests for which players would only be rewarded after their demise.

Their failure to assimilate was also blamed on their chosen avatars of a white man in chinos and a blazer, with user names such as JEdgarHoover236.

NSA agent Tom Logan said: “I’ve heard terrorists have definitely got themselves the new PS4 and FIFA too, so I’ll be working from home on that for the next three months.”

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Guardian begins annual ruining of Christmas

THE Guardian newspaper has launched its annual appeal to make you feel dreadful about Christmas.

Unveiling a miserable George Monbiot article about how we are all going to die of starvation, the paper pledged to ‘gnaw at our readers’ consciences like they will gnaw at the bones of horribly abused poultry’.

The paper is lining up a series of nasty, depressing yuletide features including excerpts from Jonathan Freedland’s new book It is Not a Wonderful Life, Polly Toynbee’s Guide to Turning a Nice Christmas Dinner into an Argument About Universal Benefits and an Owen Jones article about reactionary toys made by lovely, tiny dogs.

A spokesman said: “The only good thing capitalism has ever done is to turn Christmas into a secular indulgence instead of a credulous rehashing of manipulative, Iron Age fairy stories.

“We’re going to put that on a tea towel that you can give to your gran.”