Obama hospitalised with bitten tongue

BARACK Obama has been released from hospital after biting his tongue too hard around Donald Trump.

After showing President-elect Trump how door handles work and calling for calm amongst people who assume he’s a Kenyan terrorist, Obama will wear a surgical tongue guard for the remainder of his presidency.

A White House source said: “Once President Trump is sworn in, Barack plans to spend a month or two in the South Carolina woods, miles away from the nearest swear jar, screaming his head off.”

Obama’s health has suffered since the election result, developing arthritis in his hands as he clenches and unclenches them at the thought of what the country has done to itself.

He was finally hospitalised yesterday after taking a call from Trump asking if he had a mobile number for the superhero Iron Man.

Aides say he stood motionless for a moment after the phone dropped from his hand and blood poured from his pursed lips as his left eyebrow twitched like an electrocuted caterpillar.

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Normal moon ‘shit’

THE public has hit out at the normal moon for its lack of effort after being wowed by the ‘supermoon’.

Earlier this week the largest supermoon in 69 years dazzled spectators, but for many the rare event has simply exposed how shit the normal moon is.

Stephen Malley said: ““I won’t even bother raising my head to look at anything less than a once-in-a-decade lunar event.

“I’m not awestruck by the haunting majesty of today’s weak, predictable moon, in fact I’m repulsed by its generic glow.

“The moon really needs to raise its game. Maybe it could turn green or something.”

The next supermoon to come this close to Earth won’t be until 2034, a timescale that many find unacceptable.

Meteorologist Julian Cooke said: “I’m getting sick of being attacked by angry members of the public asking what’s next in the moon franchise.

“I tell them it’s been sold to Disney who’ll do a tired remake of the supermoon but pass it off as something new.”