VLADIMIR Putin sightings have surged in the last 48 hours.
After the Russian president disappeared, witnesses claim to have seen him selling DVDs from a van in Carlisle, married to a voodoo princess in New Orleans and organising penguins near the UK Antarctic Research Centre.
Putinologist Wayne Hayes said: “The Putin is a cipher, a construct of our subconscious, representing our innate desire for sexual experimentation.
“Meanwhile, in Russia, he is elected with a 100% majority because voting for Putin is the only way to stop him appearing under your bed every night, murmuring threats.”
Investigators are also examining a mass sighting in Italy, where an entire village claims to have seen him inside their fridge on the same morning, punching their butter.
The Kremlin has dismissed the sightings, claiming Putin has been immersed in an epic wrestling match with a black bear which he will subsequently ravish.