People seeing Putin everywhere

VLADIMIR Putin sightings have surged in the last 48 hours.

After the Russian president disappeared, witnesses claim to have seen him selling DVDs from a van in Carlisle, married to a voodoo princess in New Orleans and organising penguins near the UK Antarctic Research Centre.

Putinologist Wayne Hayes said: “The Putin is a cipher, a construct of our subconscious, representing our innate desire for sexual experimentation.

“Meanwhile, in Russia, he is elected with a 100% majority because voting for Putin is the only way to stop him appearing under your bed every night, murmuring threats.”

Investigators are also examining a mass sighting in Italy, where an entire village claims to have seen him inside their fridge on the same morning, punching their butter.

The Kremlin has dismissed the sightings, claiming Putin has been immersed in an epic wrestling match with a black bear which he will subsequently ravish.


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Muse album cover sparks collapse of capitalism

CAPITALISM collapsed this morning, following the unveiling of Muse’s incendiary new album cover.

The cover – which fearlessly depicts a big grey fist controlling a joystick-headed robo-man – has sparked global revolution, with millions attacking banks and parliament buildings, claiming Muse have finally opened the world’s eyes to the truth.

Protestor Nathan Muir said: “I’d always assumed that money and corporations and CCTV and stuff like that were probably fine. But then, on Saturday, someone showed me the cover art for Drones, Muse’s seventh studio album.

“I was just like, ‘woah’. My entire worldview was instantly flipped on its head, and I suddenly found myself beyond the looking glass.

“I went straight out to assassinate my local MP and torch the nearest Halfords.”

US president Barack Obama, who resigned this morning, said: “I am little more than a blinkered corporate marionette, and I have Muse to thank for giving me my life back.”

Speaking from the smouldering remains of the New York Stock Exchange, banker Norman Steele said: “Muse’s fiercely intelligent and subversive album artwork has finally brought the establishment to its knees.

”Capitalism is over, finished, a distant fever dream. All fat cats like me can do now is cower in terror as the western political system is heroically re-modelled by an inexplicably popular stadium rock band.”