Putin bans rainbows

PRESIDENT Vladimir Putin has banned the meteorological phenomenon of the rainbow within his country’s borders.

The laws impose mandatory 40-year sentences without appeal for refraction of light through water drops in the atmosphere, and authorises the use of terminal force.

President Putin said: “This flamboyant, effete arc of many colours may be tolerated in the West, but not here.

“The attraction children have to rainbows is well-known and their delicate minds could be turned away from other, more patriotically Russian weather like violent thunderstorms and -40°c temperatures.”

Forces in the Urals have already engaged a rainbow with small arms and mortar fire, killing 17 civilians in what would be a tragedy anywhere else but is no big deal in Russia.

Also covered by the ban are lead crystal, soap bubbles, petrol on water, white horses galloping through spray, Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon and the final circuit tracks in Mario Kart.

Scientists advised Putin that every snowflake is, in theory, a prism capable of separating white light into all the colours of the visual spectrum.

After a high-level conference, troops with flamethrowers have worked through the night to clear Sochi of all snow.

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DJ gig an artistic disaster zone

A PERFORMANCE by superstar DJ Hardwell has been declared an artistic disaster.

Workers at the stadium DJ’s Belfast gig described being exposed to intense awfulness for several hours.

Bar staff member Tom Booker said: “In terms of content it was the opposite of quality – aggressive and soppy at the same time.

“Every few minutes the beat stopped and there was a crescendo of lame synth sounds which is a command for the herd to elevate their hands.

“It’s not music, it’s large scale human obedience training.

“God knows what it’s doing to their brains.”