Rio Olympics opening ceremony to be not as good

TONIGHT’S 2016 Olympic Games opening ceremony in Rio is widely expected not to be as good as the British one all about us. 

Brazil has been advised that it cannot meaningfully compete with the ceremony regarded throughout the UK as the greatest ever, so the best thing to do is keep it low-key and short.

Roy Hobbs of Malvern said: “We had Emile Sande doing Abide With Me and a James Bond bit where the Queen, or at least a muscular much younger person dressed unconvincingly as the Queen, jumped out of a helicopter. You can’t beat that for razzle dazzle.

“Brazil may have Pele and Gisele, but we have Del Boy and Tim Berners-Lee who invented the internet.

“I’m more worried that it’ll be embarrassing for them than anything. If I was them I’d make it about Britain, then it might be good.”

Brazilian Jorge Monte said: “Can we do better than David Beckham on a speedboat? Mmm. Tough one.”