Rwanda flight to be six mannequins and Priti Patel

THE home secretary has vowed that tomorrow’s Rwanda flight will go ahead even if it is just six mannequins and her, glowering furiously. 

Following legal moves to stop the illegal deportation flight, Patel has insisted that it go ahead and secured a stock of shop window dummies who are to bear the brunt of her xenophobic rage.

A Home Office insider said: “She’s been so excited about this flight, emailing at 4am with ideas like ‘put a bomb on board?!’ or ‘can we throw them out over the sea?’.

“It’s all she’s ever wanted. It’s why she went into politics. And now, because of a load of lefty lawyers using left-wing laws in the out-of-touch liberal courts, she’s facing a flight completely denuded of hate figures.

“We’ve had to get mannequins, paint them suitably, dress them up like terrorists and still she’s kicking off because they don’t scream realistically when she beats them.

“Quite frankly I don’t think most of them will last the flight. We’re flying all the way to central Africa to tip a load of broken plastic limbs onto a runway while she stands there panting hard.”

Patel said: “Punishment. There must be punishment. Those dummies must suffer. Also Rwanda is a safe haven and they’ll love it there.”

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B&Q to host birthday parties for men aged 45 and up

B&Q has announced that men aged 45 and over can make their birthdays truly special by holding them in their favourite aisle of the store. 

The DIY giant is to seize a slice of the party market by catering to middle-aged men who can only experience contentment while wandering their stores, who are allowed to bring six taciturn friends.

B&Q party co-ordinator Nikki Hollis said: “Does the husband or dad in your life react with irritation when called in from the shed to celebrate his own birthday? Here’s the solution.

“Whether they prefer screws and fastenings, steps and ladders or garden equipment, we’ll set up tables, chairs, and cans of warm beer for them and their guests.

“The parties will cater for all dietary requirements and allergies, particularly foods that don’t give heartburn or flare up gout, without any fuss or ceremony. You’ll never have to break off an animated discussion about jetwashing to sit through ‘Happy Birthday’.

“They’re then treated to a visit from a shop assistant who answers three of their questions, allowed to roam the whole store with measuring tape to make whatever inscrutable pencil notations they like, and sent off with a lucky bag of Kendal Mint Cake, assorted nails and washers and a ten per cent discount voucher.”

Birthday boy Stephen Malley, aged 54, said: “It was bloody brilliant, until until my team lost the Guttering Marble Race because of Roy Hobbs’s shoddy sealing. He’s not invited next year.”