Ryanair passengers handed hefty fighter jet escort charge

PASSENGERS on a hijacked Ryanair flight have been billed £565 for the privilege of being escorted by a Belarussian MiG-29, they have confirmed. 

The airline has requested all passengers pay £280 for Armed Jet Escort, £135 for Priority Landing and a further £75-per-agent KGB Seating Fee.

A Ryanair spokesman said: “All these charges are clearly posted in the small print on our website, where nobody will ever find them.

“Usually you need to attend an airshow to see a display of highly-skilled formation flying by a twin-engined jet fighter, but here we are offering it in the comfort of your cramped economy seat. You don’t get that with easyJet.

“The thrills and spills of a hijacking will be the talking point of everyone’s trip. You can’t put a price on that sort of once-in-a-lifetime experience. Only we have. And it’s £565.”

Passenger Tom Booker said: “The second I looked out the window and saw a fighter jet alongside I let out a long sigh. Not because I feared for my life but because I knew it wasn’t going to be ATOL protected.”

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Complaining about mixed-race families in TV ads, and other daytime gammon activities

DO you fill your time with activities many would consider boring, pointless and even downright racist? Here are the signs you’re a daytime gammon: 

Talking to political campaigners

Politicians love nothing more than getting out and talking to ‘ordinary, average, normal’ people like you who spend all day hanging around the outdoor market waiting for TV crews. Whether you’re bollocking some Labour girl about potholes and pronouns or praising Nigel to the skies, your views deserve to be heard.

Watching daytime sports

It could be golf, it could be snooker, it could be racing from Chester or cycling from Italy, but you’ve unexpectedly become a big fan of something that’s minimally exciting at maximum length. Not American sports, though. Not that you’re racist but.

Calling a radio phone-in

You decide to call up LBC to defend Boris Johnson over the latest set of allegations, knowing you’ll find a sympathetic ear in Nick Ferrari. Unfortunately you’re in the queue too long and end up verbally eviscerated and humiliated on national radio by James O’Brien.

Having a swift half

At some point, your mind swirling with Richard Littlejohn columns, you conflated political correctness and health and safety. So now you believe drinking three pints at noon is one in the eye for lefties and so do all the other blokes like you. You meet at Wetherspoons and set the world to rights, by which you mean plan a fascist dictatorship.

Comment on newspaper stories

Whether your arena of choice is the genteel hate-pit of the Telegraph, correcting the bias of the BBC or being the far-right voice your local newspaper refuses to publish, there’s no better way to while away an afternoon than standing up as the furious voice of moral authority to all these left-wingers with too much time on their hands because they don’t work.

Complaining about mixed-race families in adverts

To your mind – and you’re a reasonable person who believes in compulsory national service and the death penalty for cannabis possession – every advert featuring a mixed-race family is another step towards white genocide. You’ve even made a spreadsheet to record ethnicity and write daily letters of complaint to Ofcom with your findings.