WE all feel sad when we see a disaster on TV, so how can you help without lifting a finger or spending any money whatsoever? Try these nominal acts of charity.
Share a charity link without donating yourself
Sure, you haven’t given to the Red Cross Hurricane Melissa fund, but other people might, so that’s helping. Ignore the fact that if other people took this slack approach paramedics would tell you: ‘Yes, you’re bleeding to death. Don’t worry, we’ve called an ambulance!’
Vaguely suggest a collection in the office
Without speaking loudly or forcefully, float the idea in a very general way, eg. ‘Maybe we should have a collection or something?’ No one will be sure who should do this, so the idea will drift off into the ether while you feel good for suggesting it. If your boss and co-workers were in any way dynamic they’d say ‘Yes, you do that, Emma! I’ll help!’ but they’re not. Turning their computer on while eating a Twix makes them feel snowed under.
Pray
Not so popular in the UK, but Americans swear by it. Admittedly this only leads to the occasional Yank surviving an illness while thousands worldwide die from starvation – which a deity who can make cows could easily fix in a tasty way – but you’ve left a message so what else can you do? You just hope tacking on a request for a PS5 at the end doesn’t invalidate your main prayer.
Post AI slop
Nowadays any disaster generates fake videos, like the ones of sharks swimming in flooded streets in Jamaica. But you can justify sharing these because it raises awareness, probably. And let’s be honest – it’s easier to care about a natural disaster if there’s a clear antagonist in the form of a merciless killing machine. Which would you rather watch, Jaws or The Day After Tomorrow? Case closed.
Buy products from disaster-stricken places
When places are ravaged by storms or conflict it’s good to support their disrupted economies, so buy some bananas. Of course, the bananas might come from somewhere totally different like Ecuador, but you tried. You can’t be expected to carry all of the world’s problems on your shoulders.
Look after your own first
It helps if you’re a heartless right-wing bastard for this, but by opposing foreign aid you’re still helping people, just whiter ones. Although if Daily Express types are finally required to put their hands in the pockets for homeless British soldiers, it’ll be interesting to see how quickly they decide they’re all cowards, ‘druggies’ and snowflakes.
Download the charity single
The ultimate selfless act: downloading something you wanted to listen to anyway. And with each stream on Spotify generating as much as $0.003, you and Katy Perry and Chris Martin and Bono will have Hurricane Melissa sorted in no time. In fact you should start a new playlist for your charity tracks. Call it ‘Saving The World Vol 1’.
