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Six other people Donald Trump has no idea he's pardoned

CRYPTO billionaire and criminal Changpeng Zhao has been pardoned by president Trump, who has no idea who he is. These six have also been obliviously freed: 

Mr Blobby

Imprisoned for crimes against humanity in the early 00s, Blobby has languished in jail ever since. Trump is like most blissfully unaware of this cultural phenomenon but, hearing that he is widely hated, ordered him freed from prison. In line for a senior job at the FBI for his groundbreaking work stumbling through doors and demolishing sets.

Anne Frank

Knowing out who Anne Frank was would involve both picking up and reading a book, which is far beyond what anyone can expect of the president. Ignoring that ICE would be smashing their way into the Secret Annex if she was in today’s America, he orders her released and sits back in his chair, eyes half-closed, anticipating praise.

Vladimir Putin

Trump has never met Putin in his life. Photos of the pair together as recently as a few months ago are doctored AI forgeries concocted by the satanic Biden administration. Nevertheless, in the spirit of the American dream, the Russian leader has been cleared of any crimes he may have committed and Trump now expects the Nobel Peace Prize.

Anyone who ghosts after dates

Trump does not know these people individually because that would require knowing practically every person who has ever dated. But he’s heard it’s mainly men, and men can’t do anything wrong, so he’s blindly signed off and they’re all cleared. Will be furious when he finds out Hunter Biden was among them.

Your dad

Of course Donald Trump has no idea who your dad is. He’s got much more pressing matters to attend to like demolishing the White House and playing golf. Your dad’s emotional distance and problematic banter poses an immediate threat to the security of the US though, which is why he has been granted clemency.

Donald Trump

In the president’s opinion, nobody as talented, handsome, clever, and just all round amazing, truly the amazingest, should have been in need of a pardon to begin with. As well as clearing Donald Trump, Donald Trump will now let Donald Trump run for president for a third time as a gesture of goodwill. Donald Trump fancies Donald Trump’s chances. Though let him make this absolutely clear, he’s never met the guy. 

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Tired all the time? Have you considered shutting up about it

ARE you tired all the time? Doctors believe they have hit upon the incredible solution of you shutting the f**k up about it. 

Deluged with thousands of patients complaining of tiredness, usually those in mid-life with small children, demanding jobs and lengthy commutes, the medical profession has focused its efforts on the issue and developed a radical new treatment: silence.

Dr Helen Archer said: “It’s an epidemic. Some days, every other patient I saw was complaining of TATT. We had to act decisively so we could see people with real problems.

“We’d tried diet, we’d tried vitamins, we’d tried anti-depressants and still the same whingers kept coming back as if fatigue was a condition I could fix with a pill if I just tried hard enough. Finally, in desperation, I prescribed a course of shutting up.

“The results were remarkable. It felt like a burden was lifted. And the patient’s family, friends and co-workers all said the same. Even the patient themselves, when expressly forbidden to bang on about how uniquely tired they are, had no complaints.

“It’s possible they even feel less tired. Who knows? The rest of us don’t have to anymore, which qualifies this as a miracle cure.”

Sufferer Thomas Booker of Exeter said: “But now I’m forced to talk about subjects other people are interested in, like films or the weather. And that’s agonising for me.”

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