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Work-life balance finally achieved by f**king boss

A MAN has achieved the perfect balance between his working life and his personal life by beginning an affair with his boss. 

Estates manager James Bates has hit on a solution which gives him the best of both worlds with a sexual relationship that bridges the two, bringing the office to the bedroom, the bedroom to the office and all under the looming shadow of HR.

He said: “Boundaries are much easier to manage when they’re completely ignored.

“It’s good for my social wellbeing, it’s given my self-esteem a boost, physically I’ve never felt better and there’s no possible way it could harm my career prospects. Every day’s a one-on-one personal development opportunity!

“All those years I’ve wasted pushing myself to overachieve at work and then, dog-tired, forced myself to go out and have a fulfilling evening, when I could have brought it all in-house.

“Now I wake up with my boss, spend all day with my lover, and strategise key deliverables during foreplay. Learn more about how it could transform your working life with this essay containing erotic passages that I’ve posted on LinkedIn.”

Boss Hannah Tomlinson said: “So handy to f**k someone you can fire.”

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Old people mainly miserable and boring, young report

A NEW survey has found that despite their reputation for cuddly chat and homespun wisdom, the majority of those aged 60 or over are glum, boring moaners. 

Research found that socialising with elders had far fewer moments of twinkle-eyed cross-generational bonding than expected, and far more pointless reminiscences, complaints about medical conditions and staring grimly at daytime television.

29-year-old Tom Logan said: “My grandfather thinks I should be interested in everything he says because of his ‘experience’. He spent 45 years doing accounts for self-employed contractors in Barnsley.  Experience of what? Tax returns pre-decimalisation?

“His first house cost the same as a second-hand microwave does now, his ‘funny’ work stories would easily double up as testimony at a tribunal, and apparently his triple-locked pension doesn’t stretch to giving me more than two custard creams.”

Carolyn Ryan, aged 35, agreed: “People venerate the old because not long ago they were all WWII veterans who saved the world from Hitler. Not anymore. Now they’re mostly boomers who still think the 60s went too far on women’s rights.

“They’ve contributed bugger all except for Brexit, and the only wisdom they can impart is how to hill-start a Morris Traveller which is not currently relevant. They can piss off.”

86-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “We’re not boring, we’ve got loads of stories. Did I ever tell you about when petrol was 40p a gallon? Because it was.”

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