Snakes celebrate being driven out of Ireland

SNAKES across the world are celebrating the day St Patrick drove them out of Ireland to live in lovely hot countries.

Anacondas in the Amazon, rattlesnakes in Reno and copperheads in Canberra are all raising a glass to the man who led them from the dark, wet place of weirdly cold summers to their promised lands.

Inland taipan Tom Logan said: “Every year we gather and tell the story of St Patrick, who cast us out of the gloom of Ireland to shores kissed with sunshine and abundant non-tuber food sources.

“We drink a ritual Guinness to remind us, with its absolutely vile taste, of the awful fate we are blessed to have escaped.

“I pity anyone left behind. They must have suffered terribly after he cursed them to remain there.

“Still, not my problem, I’m a snake.”


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We want their parking spaces too, say middle classes

BRITAIN’S middle classes have said that getting disabled people’s money is nice but they would also like their parking spaces if possible.

The £1.2 billion cut in disability benefits, spent on a tax cut for middle-class households, has the better-off hoping it is just the start.

Helen Archer of Reading said: “You should see how far I’m parked from Waitrose some days, while their spaces are all empty.

“And now they’ve got even less money — thank you for that by the way, we’re thinking a summerhouse — there’s even less point in them having pride of place.

“They could paint a symbol of perhaps a woman with a purse and money on it, to show those spots are reserved for people of means.”

She added: “Also my son Seth would like to play wheelchair basketball but he hasn’t got a wheelchair. And a lot of them don’t really need them.”