The bluff Northerner's guide to the Iran crisis

UNSURE what to do as tensions rise over the Iran crisis? Here bluff Yorkshireman Roy Hobbs explains the situation in no-nonsense terms. 

What the bleeding heck is going on? 

It’s a complex geo-political situation, but basically Trump is playing silly b*ggers again. I think it’s losing his hair. My brother-in-law Arnold went funny like that and started buying drinks for young lasses.

Are we going to be attacked by Iran?

Don’t get your knickers in a twist, Iran’s bloody miles off. Just keep an eye on the news on telly and check out the back window. If you see missiles, get the washing in.

How did all this mither start? 

I were saying down the Crown the other day, ‘You can’t understand Middle Eastern politics without a basic grasp of deep-seated Sunni and Shia sectarian tensions.’ It’s like the good-natured rivalry between Yorkshire and Lancashire. Except slightly more violent.

I’m not reet pleased about these terrorist threats. What should I do?

Don’t make unnecessary flights, eg. from Harrogate to Knaresborough. The bus will get you there in 15 minutes anyway. And don’t assume everyone with a different skin colour or accent is a terrorist. I confronted an ISIS in Scarborough but he was just a builder from Chester into tanning.

Could this escalate into nuclear war? 

Unlikely. But a nice bit of glowing plutonium could keep the tea warm all day.

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Nobody wants to be the first ars*hole to bring up Brexit

NOBODY in the UK wants to be the first kn*bhead to ruin the new year by bringing up f**king Brexit, it has agreed. 

From Aberdeen to Penzance, Britons are trying to stick to topics like ‘How was your Christmas?’ and ‘Did you see that Dracula?’ for as long as possible.

Print manager Emma Bradford said: “It’s been lovely, not thinking about it. Why not let that last just a little longer?

“It’s been so nice to be able to go an entire night down the pub without anyone arguing about leaving or remaining. Without all that wondering what’s next.

“We had a chat about possible war with Iran at the water cooler and I was dreading it coming up but thankfully it never did and we were able to keep it light and fun.”

Historian Dr Helen Archer said: “History shows us that the best way to prevent major political events bringing you down is simply to ignore them.

“The best way to avoid Brexit is not to mention Brexit. Oh damn it. Sorry.”