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'This historic peace could only be achieved with Trump as president because I waited until Trump was president'

By Benjamin Netanyahu, prime minister of Israel

COULD peace in the Middle East have been achieved without Trump being in charge? No, because I was willing to prolong war until he was. 

Does the deal achieved greatly resemble the peace deal negotiated under president Biden? Why yes it does, in almost every respect but one: Biden. I was less fond of him. Even when slipping in and out of consciousness he was harder to con.

So I decided to wait. What’s the cost of a few more months, when not measured in money or lives? Nothing. And it enabled me to tick off a few more items on my to-do list, like ‘bomb Iran’ and ‘launch missile attack on Qatar’.

Trump is a true friend to Bibi, and therefore to Israel. Biden? He merely did everything we wanted without question as a US president should, but I never felt his heart was in it.

I felt that, after Trump had been president for a little while but before the deadline for the Nobel Peace Prize, the time had come for peace. For a little while. With occasional discretionary violations.

And so here we are, at this historic moment, standing together while he tells world leaders which ones he likes and which ones he doesn’t and we all pretend that’s fine and smile.

The Holy Land is at peace and it is all thanks to Trump, so he believes and I let him. What a wonderful president he is. He should stay forever.

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Are you worried you've had a one-night stand with ChatGPT? Read our checklist

DATERS on the apps are increasingly using AI to do the difficult early bits of relationships for them. Have you been lured into sex by a large language model? These are the signs: 

Was he totally different in person?

On your date, was the thoughtful, erudite, Byron-quoting guy you warmed to in chat actually charmless, dull and shit-thick? We all have off days, you thought, not realising you were in a modern version of Cyrano de Bergerac where Roxanne gave up full penetrative sex after a Pizza Express.

Did sex last exactly five minutes?

According to ChatGPT, the average duration of penis-vagina intercourse is five to seven minutes. A five-minute shag means your lover has correctly completed the act according to instructions. If you were left sexually unsatisfied, take it up with OpenAI customer support.

Were her questions weirdly open-ended?

‘Ask them about themselves’ is standard dating advice which ChatGPT has absorbed and supplied your date with questions accordingly. If you found yourself happily gabbing on for two hours in response to the question ‘Why don’t you tell me about every object you can currently see?’ that may not have been an organic conversation.

Did he ‘glitch’ during foreplay?

AI occasionally hallucinates and suggests its users eat knives. If your date has taken on board such erroneous information, it would at least explain why he kept saying ‘You like that baby, don’t you?’ while trying to put his penis in your ear.

Was she totally lost without her phone?

Did you find the conversation veering wildly from ‘Nice weather for ducks!’ to ‘Are you familiar with the work of Roberto Rossellini?’ every time you nipped to the toilet? And if, after sex, all she could think of to say was ‘That was alright’ your date may be dependent on ChatGPT for her entire personality.

Was he excessively confident about stupid plans?

One issue with AI is its reinforcement of unrealistic beliefs. If the person you shagged was convinced he will shortly be a billionaire, ChatGPT may be to blame. Luckily you’ve not invested your life savings in his revolutionary new USB-compatible tea-stirrer.

Did she say odd, stilted things during sex?

ChatGPT isn’t allowed to be explicit but will happily dish out vanilla sex tips and suggest useful phrases. If she kept saying bland crap like ‘I love being close to you’ during sex, she’s got it from ChatGPT and you’ve basically just f**ked an algorithm. And it was the best f**k of your life.

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