VISITED a home full of motivational signs encouraging anything deeper than gin consumption? Can’t help but take down their bullshit? These stand up to zero scrutiny:
‘Always remember that you are braver than you believe…’
Often continues ‘…stronger than you seem, smarter than you think and loved more than you will ever know’. But what if you aren’t? You’re not signing up for any wars, are you? It’s perfectly possible that you’re not as smart as you think and loved less than you imagine, especially if your self-esteem needs a boost from a shit Matalan wooden sign.
‘Remember, as far as anyone knows we are a nice normal family’
At what point are you so dull – in your own estimation – that you’re trying to hint that beneath the uninteresting facade you’re like the Fritzls or the Wests? The sinister undertones of this sign are unearned. You are normal, because you bought this from a garden centre.
‘Live, Laugh, Love’
The classic. But those things don’t necessarily go together. It’s perfectly possible to live without the other two. Spiders do. Besides, is this sign an order? What happens if you don’t engage in your mandatory laughing every nine minutes? Shot in the garden?
‘Life’s short – buy the shoes, drink the wine, order the dessert’
For when ‘You will die soon, it is your duty to service capitalism’ seems too blunt. The inevitability of death isn’t cheering to most. If you do plump for his memento mori, remember that life will be even shorter once you have liver disease and diabetes from the wine and dessert, and nobody will want unworn scarlet spike heels in your will.
‘If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best’
Firstly, assumes the two are easily distinguishable which in Auntie Kath’s case is something of a stretch. Second, why should anyone put up with you being an utter prick in the hope you’ll get better? Would you buy a sign saying ‘I can be a right f**king arsehole sometimes’ in curly script and hang it above the cooker?
‘Bad decisions make good stories’
Yes, you’ve been dining out on the Suez Crisis for years now.
‘Gin O’Clock’
Just because it’s 7pm somewhere in the world does not mean you should be necking a large G&T. It’s 7am somewhere in the world and you’re not scoffing waffles. Admit you’re an alcoholic and stop trying to normalise a drinking problem with wooden signs.
