Trump confirms ban on Sylvanians entering US

DONALD Trump has banned all Sylvanians from entering America, even the really cute ones.

New legislation prohibits any small humanoid animals entering the US because ‘anything that adorable must be a threat to national security’.

Trump said: “These Sylvanians claim they need someone to love and need somewhere to live. But what are we getting in return?

“Do they even have jobs? Or do they just hang around in forests wearing dungarees and old-fashioned ankle-length skirts that could easily conceal weapons?

“Some of them are rabbits and we all know how they breed.”

However a spokesman for Sylvania said: “Even the most cursory research would have revealed that Mr Periwinkle of the rabbit family works as a sign writer, and did all the banners for Brambles Department Store which is the biggest shop in Sylvania.

“He’s a straight up blue-collar worker and it’s not like his rich dad just gave him a load of fucking money.

“Anyway we live in a woodland haven where all species happily co-exist. Why the hell would we come to America?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Unspeakable pieces of shit delighted with new scapegoat

DONALD Trump and the man who tells him what to think have confirmed they are delighted with their latest scapegoat.

Trump and his adviser Steve Bannon said it was ‘incredibly exciting’ that any terrorist attack on the US could now be blamed on judges.

Bannon added: “The crafting of a scapegoat usually requires a degree of patience, but this one has come together in a matter of days.

“I hope to be able to use it for a variety of purposes, including recession, civil unrest and any of the White House scandals that will almost certainly emerge. Perhaps I could even use it to justify one of the wars I want. Especially the massive one with China.”

He continued: “When Harry Truman was president he had a sign on his desk saying ‘the buck stops here’. But Harry Truman was a big fucking homo who only used the atomic bomb twice.”