Trump confirms this is going to be completely f**king insane

DONALD Trump has confirmed that the next four years are going to be as fucked up as his campaign.

After being sworn in as the Republic candidate for 2020, a furious, foaming Trump told a rally in Washington that he is going to do a series of things that cannot possibly happen.

Waving his weird, tiny hands as if he was controlled by a slightly drunk puppeteer, Candidate Trump said: “I hate America. It’s a really, really bad place.

“But don’t worry because four years from now you will all be rich, thin and famous. So famous. So famous.”

He added: “If anyone tries to stop me, I know you, the great multi-coloured American people, will want me to have them killed in a really spectacular fashion. It will be so amazing.”

After speaking for almost 28 times longer than his normal attention span, Trump declared: “I am bored of talking to you now and I really need to urinate.”

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Police taser race relations leader for suggesting they stop tasering black people

POLICE in Bristol have tasered the founder of their own race relations group after he suggested they treat black people with respect.

64-year-old Nathan Muir, who was invited to Bristol police station to speak about improving relationships with the black community, was brought down after officers judged his words presented a clear danger to their working practices.

PC Carolyn Ryan said: “Something about him, I can’t put my finger on what, alerted me immediately so I monitored him for the safety of the community.

“And when he began telling us to curtail racial profiling and not jump to conclusions based on skin colour I knew immediately this was an attack on the institution of the police that put us at real risk. Especially Dean, who’s prejudiced.

“I dived, rolled, came up with the taser and brought him down immediately, making sure his inflammatory words couldn’t hurt anyone else.

“I didn’t think about the danger that I myself might have to retire on ill health grounds aged just 35 with a full pension. My training just kicked in.”