UKRAINE is to be detached from the earth and floated 6,000m above sea level so Russia will not be tempted to invade.
The scheme follows President Putin’s admission that he has a terrible weakness for resource-rich agricultural land and cannot hold himself back from sending in troops.
Angela Merkel said: “It’s ridiculous that we have to treat a mature member of the G8 like this, but it seems the only way the Ukraine will be safe is if it’s out of harms way.
“All 233,062 square miles will be winched up, using the enormous natural rock cranes the country was named for, and kept aloft using helium balloons.”
Sofia Kobzon of Kiev said: “The view is lovely and you get used to the lack of oxygen, but I hope the EU remembers to get us down.
“We are already gathering dust alongside a Nerf gun, many nuclear warheads and several parts of the former republic of Yugoslavia everyone has forgotten ever existed.”
President Putin is expected to pace the former border looking longingly upwards, and occasionally making pathetic little leaps, before invading Georgia again.