Ukraine to be put up high where Putin can't reach it

UKRAINE is to be detached from the earth and floated 6,000m above sea level so Russia will not be tempted to invade.

The scheme follows President Putin’s admission that he has a terrible weakness for resource-rich agricultural land and cannot hold himself back from sending in troops.

Angela Merkel said: “It’s ridiculous that we have to treat a mature member of the G8 like this, but it seems the only way the Ukraine will be safe is if it’s out of harms way.

“All 233,062 square miles will be winched up, using the enormous natural rock cranes the country was named for, and kept aloft using helium balloons.”

Sofia Kobzon of Kiev said: “The view is lovely and you get used to the lack of oxygen, but I hope the EU remembers to get us down.

“We are already gathering dust alongside a Nerf gun, many nuclear warheads and several parts of the former republic of Yugoslavia everyone has forgotten ever existed.”

President Putin is expected to pace the former border looking longingly upwards, and occasionally making pathetic little leaps, before invading Georgia again.

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Servants' quarters counted as social housing

A LONDON development has included below-stairs maids’ rooms as its quota of social housing.

Private homes on the One Vauxhall Bridge development range from £1.4m to £6m, while social housing tenants pay much lower rents but are expected to rise at 4am to scrub stairs and set roaring fires.

Estate agent Eleanor Shaw said: “The opportunity to live in one of London’s most desirable locations has the tiny price of a lifetime of servitude.

“Yes, there are small differences between the private flats, which are finished in polished walnut and enjoy views across the capital, and the social housing in bare plywood without heat, lights or windows.

“But it’s all delightfully Jeeves & Wooster, apart from Wooster doesn’t speak English and frequently beats Jeeves with a shoe.”

Tenant Nathan Muir said: “I work all day as a teacher, get home, change into my butler’s uniform and serve drinks for the mistress and her guests.

“I was married, but my wife was fired for drawing a bath two degrees colder than requested so I began a sexless, unspoken flirtation with the young maidservant who sleeps in the attic.

“After nine months of devotion I believe I was close to knowing her name, but then the master of the house got her pregnant so she was framed for theft and sent to the workhouse.”