RIOTS in the Ukrainian capital Kiev are about trainers, it has been claimed.
Masked protesters in the violent clashes have apparently turned down offers of Nike Air Max fresh from the box, though some believe they’re just holding out for Air Jordans.
Foreign minister William Hague said: “As everyone knows, riots are caused by selfish, greedy people who want trainers and don’t want to pay for them.
“But the rioters in the Ukraine claim to be motivated some kind of political injustice, which is clearly nonsense. Why don’t they just hire lobbyists?”
Hague responded to claims that Ukrainians wanted closer ties to the EU by looking confused, twitching, and suggesting that perhaps his interlocutor meant to say the exact opposite.
Ukrainian Stanislav Drach said: “We demand the release of former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko, free and fair elections and an end to undue influence from Russia. Not trainers.
“Currently while we fight police Doc Martens would be better, for the kicking efficiency of their trademark air-cushioned soles.”
Economics professor Eleanor Shaw said: “Ordinary Ukrainians are fighting in the streets for free-market reforms which would increase employment for the younger generation and encourage private-sector growth via increased consumer spending.
“And what would they spend their money on? Trainers. When you get down to it, it’s always about trainers.”